Cheese Hopping The Movie

I'm in a movie called Cheese Hopping.  I play the part of the cantankerous old cheese brewing expert.  My costar is McCauley Caulkin who plays the part of the little boy with a passion for cheese brewing.  Of course through the course of the movie and a great many anecdotes and quotables, I end up saving the boy's life.  But not before...he saves mine.  It's a great movie with a great cast.  Think Finding Forrester, but with more cheese and more anecdotes.  Also, I mean actual cheese, not the cheese that already fills Finding Forrester to the brim.  We all know that movie has enough of that kind of cheese.  Seriously, old people aren't all wise and benevolent you know.  I remember this one time an old lady yelled at me.  All I was doing was walking and the lady yelled at me about stepping on her grass.  I cried, but they were tears of joy.  Why were they tears of joy?  The answer is they weren't.  I was 22 years old why is this lady busting me for walking on the grass.  The lady ended up having Alzheimer's syndrome.  But I...I had the real problem.

One ring to rule the mall

And in the Waldenbooks bind them.  You see it's funny because of the play on the word bind.  Books are also bound.  Waldenbooks is found in malls, which the one ring rules.  It all ties together in a fantasy-inspired piece of humor.  And isn't that what high-fantasy is all about?  I mean the entire genre is just full of humor.  And history.  Actually that reminds me of the best line from the once incredible, now terrible movie Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.  "The world is full of history."  I think the movie would have aged better if they cast Zach Morris as Rufus.

Cheese tasting with Arrowsmith

There was a time when I was so broken hearted.  Food wasn't much of a friend of mine.  The tables were set yeah you gotta certain cheesy...I know what you're thinking, and yes, that does sound like the lyrics from the popular Arrowsmith track, but I wrote that song years before.  Stephen Tyler was visiting my house and we were talking about cheese.  I spontaneously began singing this song without any prompting.  Of course, he thought it was fantastic and then later adapted it for use on the radio.  The preceding tale of alien encounters is false.

That will teach that library lady worker a lesson

This one time I went into a library and the librarian lady (because they are all ladies) hassled me about looking at other people's books on hold so I spend the next half hour moving books around in the library and screwing up their Dewey decibel placement.  Nobody will ever find Stacy Stitches or Dog Stories ever again.  Also this is a true story.  And seriously library ladies everywhere, please stop hassling the people that pay your salaries.  And also guess what.  I voted no on increasing funding for libraries.  And also guess what.  I returned my books on time so I didn't have to pay any fines.  As you can see library lady, I have skillfully defeated your passive aggression with my own more passive and more aggressive approach.

A Raise of Hands

Two hands raise in a yellow wood and I-- I high fived the one less high fived And that has made all the difference Although sometimes I wonder whose hands were raised in a yellow wood And what they were doing just hanging out there by themselves -the end That poem is a great symbol of American ingenuity and interval, because who is to say what would have happened, were the other hand high-fived. What could have been the difference. But to be or not to be, that is the real question. And who is to say, what that statement even means, because as oft-quoth as it is, I daresay that it has lost most of it's meaning, whatever original meaning it once carried. But like other great works of non-fiction, Mockingjay, Mockinghay, The Gideons Bible, The Gray Demon of Sanditon, Abraham Lincoln and the War of Northern Aggression and many other works by Billiam Shakespeare including those on the list I just shared with you, it is just plainly quoth too much. For instance, when King Arthur says "Nevermore nevermore", are we simply reading the words or are we really listening to what is said. The answer to that question depends on if you are reading the book yourself or being read to by a friendly librarian.

Mourning a great loss

There was a tragedy today on the road this morning. A car hit an oncoming truck. There were probably injuries, but this next part will shock and disturb you. The truck was carrying cheese bound for grocery stores. Yours and mine. Just let that sink in for a moment. We are all affected by this tragedy. I hope that the next time we look at cheese, we can all remember the sacrifice it makes to get to our grocer's deli and, for less expensive brands, the cold dairy aisle. And what of the people you say? I can't believe you would even ask that. What is a person when compared to a 18-month aged wheel of Romano.

Now..I….had..the time of my acting

This is going to surprise and shock and probably drive away a full half of my viewing audience, but when this song comes on my custom Pandora channel called "I had the time of my life radio" I just want to get up and dance, but not dirtily. Just cleanily dancing. It really is too bad though, Ferris Bueler's sister Jeanie was supposed to set the acting world on fire or the world of any other local parallel dimension. She did pretty good at first, blazing through Dirty Dancing and then Strictly Ballroom, but then she got that nose job and let me tell you, it was all down hill from there. Downhill like the ski slope of her new nose. She was able to pick up voice acting work after that, for instance as the titular character in Shrek and then the minions in Despicable Me and some videogame characters such as Yoshi and Ryu. But I thought we were going to see her on her own sitcoms and hosting America's funniest Home Videos and a guest star on Full House. But no, to see this would-be gem, you have to go buy tickets to The Phantom of the Opera where she is the current understudy for Woman in Mask #8. Jeanie Bueler, you will be missed.

Don’t go breakin’ my arm

I couldn't if I tried. But that's because it's Colossus's arm and it's made of steel. I hope that in the next X-Men, Colossus kills Storm like he does in X-Men Days of Thunder. In other news, why so serious. You know I added a bunch of Why So Serious's in a previous blentry and so far they haven't set the world on fire. I think I need to go with something more here and now, something more edgy and something hip. Something like Paris Hilton. Yeah, that girl is the real deal. Paris Hilton Paris Hilton Paris Hilton. That should do it. Now traffic is going to flow here like a wheel of cheese rolls over a deaf boy in Europe which is then filmed for American audiences.

I watched Pride and Prejudice and all I got was this lousy life-changing experience

You can't watch P&P without feeling the heart ache of the Bennet sisters as they struggle to set Mary up on a date with Mr. Whingly, the rich ne'er do well Army brat officer. It turns out he is a scumbagging dance partner though, but try and forget that part because in the movie when he finally asks Mary to dance and she's like "Whatevs Immabee reading this book about caring for rabbits in ancient Sparta" and he's all "Fine you know what I'm going to ask Jane to dance because she is otherwise unengaged and her looks are tolerable." It was a huge blowup in the movie, but then after shooting was over, they made up and danced the Macarena on roller skates and then Anne Hathaway broke through the wall and sang Don't Go Breakin My Heart.

Life is a dish best served cheesy

Life is a dish best served cheesy I was trying to explain my new cheese fondue conceptuarant to some business minded colleagues but they didn't seem to understand what I was fonDUEing. Did you get that? That was a joke statement. But seriously, when this fondue thing takes off, it will take off. This is a cheese on cheese fonduery concept. You take a piece of asiago or pecorino or some parm stravecchio and dip it into a soft pool of gruyere, fontina and gouda blend. Can you taste the cheesiness? For a palette cleansing agent, 86% cacao chocolate of course. As if there were any other options puh-leeeeeze. I'm thinking dessert is going to be cheese based. Taste this in your mind if you dare: a wedge of sweet dubliner to dip into a half flat of room temp brie or mascarpone. I bet your brain tastes so good right now, flowing with double cheesy goodness.

Writing Apps for Fun and Profit

First thing you need is someone who can write apps. Then you need to tell them how to write the app. Then you get money. It's that simple, understand? I was writing my next book called Where The Wild Fern Grows. It's a coming of age story about Buttercrisp Man and how the spoils of war have made him a wealthy man, and some would say, have even made him two men, but not even his limitless wealth can quench his desires for his ultimate ambition. Love. Yes, his love of stars compels him every night to read astronomy books of all sizes. Later in the book, I killed him off because he was a minor character anyway. Did you watch Harry Potter Meets the Scooby-Doo Meets Batman episode? If you didn't, you should because when Shaggy voiced by the late Casey Casem, tells Harry that he and Scoob are like hungry, it's pretty funny. It's a pretty funny part.

Two Whales don’t make a Right

I watched the Star Trek, heritage series of course, #4, The Voyage Home. It was so good and it puts all other current-gen star trecks movies to bed. That last one was so bad, not only movie-wise, but also lens flare wise. And also Benedryl Timberletch wise. Don't get me wrong, the scene where he shares an almost make-out sesh with his arch-nemesis in that other series was fun. But where was that in the star wars movie? It was nowhere to be seen. This movie gets a F for Fun Not Included In Movie. In other star wars news, I'm glad to see that George Wookie has finally seen the affects of his casting, directing, creative input and general movie-making have had on his movies. If you're going to cast stone-faced slenderman prompties and smoothskin barely beards as two of cinema's most well known and I'll even use the most overused word in cinema, iconic, characters, you're going to have a bad time. But lets be honest to each other. The only real loser is you. And me. And everyone that watches his films where the chartreuse effects overshadow the mace windus and digital stick puppets.

Dial M for Mulan

I never noticed how in the movie Mulan, at the beginning where that scene is being painted and there is the beautiful music, if you look closely, there is that symbol of Simba from where Rafiki the strung out hallucinating shut-in monkey from Lion King drew his mane on the tree with the powdery juice of some red berry after snatching some leaves and twigs blowing in the wind and he caught ahold of Simba's scent of his scat or something. Anyways, that symbol, or should I say, that Simbol, is also in Mulan. Disney is always doing cool stuff like that. For instance, in Bednobs and Broomsticks, when they jump into the chalk painting from the london sidewalk, that chalk painting is also in Merry Poppins. Also, in The Little Mermaid, in her cave of human goods, the busts of all of Disney's head animators are also in there too. I just love how they do cool stuff like that. Oh my favorite crossover event has to be from The Black Cauldron where Gergi is looking for munchies and crunchies and he takes the kids to his little house, inside his house you can see the cake from Sleeping Beauty and Flora Fauna and Merryweather are still trying to bake it.

Colours of Love and Life

I was at the Colors concert and it was just rocking out. There were all the Colors on stage and us fans, colloquially known as Colories, had filled the stands. It might have been the best concert ever. The kazoo improv was amazing, the way Zach Braff says amazing, which is so vomitously annoying. But besides Xach Braghf being there, it was a good show. Don't forget, Colors of Love and Life are coming to a roku streaming device near you soon on their new roku channel Colors of Love and Life Channel where you and all your Colory friends can go and take part in the joy, the suspense and of course, The Colors. Also, find then on iTunes and support the band. In other news, there are no good movies out but even more than that, there are no good movies being made anymore. Name me one good movie that has been made in the last 10 years and I will disagree with you except in small exceptions such as Bottle Shock, Sony E3 Press Conferences, Little Big Planet the Movie: The Game and specific episodes of Dynasty. Wait, I mean movies with the word Dynasty in them. For example, Mulan. Mulan is an exception because it has the word dynasty in it. "A girl like that doesn't come along every Dynasty, but Colors of Love and Life are playing so I have to go good bye Shan your father would be very proud of you don't disappoint me you are no match for my technique."

Generations of the new people

If you haven't noticed recently there is a new generation of new people doing new things out there. If you aren't down with new stuff, you're going to be stuck doing old stuff. The new generation of people have what it takes. In other news, I was playing Diablo 3 and an item dropped called the Napoleons, a pair of stylish boots, and the lore text said "These boots will make all your hopes and dreams come true." Now this is obviously a fictional story, so why, in this purely factual and fact-based blog, would I bring something up like this? Honestly I forgot what I was talking about so lets move on. I was at Cosco the other day buying toilet papers and I witnessed someone getting Ply'd. It was pretty comical and refreshing.

Quack Pack is not the new Duck Tales

And yet Quack Pack isn't really the new anything. It's pretty old too. But it was so terrible and it's disgrace to the memory of the Valley of the Golden Suns. I bought all the Duck Tales for myself and I have been enjoying it more than I would think I would think I would. I also bought some new shirts. This is good news for people that like clothing. Also, as much as Google keeps asking me to, I am not going to convert this blog to a twitter format. Twitter has no place in modern social culture or media.

One word song titles seem a touch pretentious

If I read the back of an album cover and I see a list of songs with one word names, I immediately think that this band or singer/songwriter is pretentious or not creative enough to come up with a better song title than Torn or Jaded or Loveslopesliveonthroughtimeperils. The best songs have the best song titles. For instance, "Set Controls for the Heart of the Sun" or "Truly" oh wait, that Delerium epic has only one word as the title. But it's still a good number. "Knocking on Forbidden Doors", "The Voice and The Snake", "Seven Days in Sunny June."  Here's some more "The Odd Plant in the Corner." Just kidding, I haven't recorded that one yet, even though all the music has been written. Of course the best song ever is the theme song to Gummy Bears, which consequently has more than one word in the title. Which also makes it the best cartoon of all time.

Don’t touch that lock screen

I remember in the ages past where time is shrouded in mist and legend that I drew a picture called the odd plant in the corner. I thought it was pretty good, but in reality, or should I say, in the reality of our teletubby overlords, it really isn't very good. But I learned a valuable lesson that day. You can't contradict our invisible, omniscient Teletubby overlords. They know too much and they've seen everything. You just have to be a good Teletubby and let them play videos on your tummy and eat your tubbytoast. But seriously though, there are days it feels where I'm just being fed a steady diet of tubbytoast and it's making me dumber and it's making my blog entries dumber.

Contribute to the Cause

Contribute to the cause.  Contribute sounds like Contra, which is the greatest game ever to have been birth from the brain loins of game developers. If you acquired the rapid-fire spread gun, you could beat the game. You could literally beat the game. But you could also beat the game if you used other weapons. Both cases are literal.  Another case of being literal is my suitcase that I brought with me on a trip. It took way too long coming out on the baggage carousel. That was also a literal case. Also I ran over a dog with my car. As much as I want that to be literal, it's only figurative.

Children are the future

My customers are looking for something more than just a regular tasting submarine sandwich. My special recipe is first, use the bread, second, put the other things on the bread and then thirdly, close the bread. People, especially children, keep asking for my special sandwich recipe so here it goes:

 

crusty bread

pesto

lots of melted fontina or gruyere

dry roasted red and yellow pepper halves

dietz and watson smoked chicken breast

avocado slices

fresh cracked pepper

 

Basically you just put everything into the crusty bread pocket.  That's the recipe that launched my career on the Cooking Channel.

The Odd Plant in the Corner

A number of years ago I drew a picture that I called "The odd plant in the corner." I thought it was clever and a bit edgy and well done. It wasn't. The point is sometimes we think we do great things but upon further review we discover that they are in fact not great things. This reminds of one a story. One cold evening shift time I was working as a sandwich artist at the local subway and these two guys came in and asked if they could get some sandwiches at the employee discount, which at the time was 100% off. I pretended to not comprehend what they were saying until they got angry and left. One said he was going to be a famous soccer player. The point is that I also did the same thing to a telemarketer yesterday and she had to transfer me to someone else.  And now that I remember, this one time a telemarketer called and kept interrupting him saying "Did you say something? Hello?" There are no words to describe the funniness. But words like funny and uproarity are words that maybe could come close to describing it.

Different Strokes Different Pokes

It has somewhat come to my attention that the Food Channel is attempting to syndicate my 4 shows currently airing. It is doing this without my permission and I won't tolerate it. Cooking with Food is currently the top rated show on the network and syndication will only affect that rating. Perhaps postively, but also perhaps, negatively. My other 3 shows are actually just reruns of Cooking with Food but nobody seems to notice. Speaking of cooking food, I was talking with Norman Recog who is still deep in a legal dispute with Rachel Ray over her use of the word fantabulous. He was saying that they are going to renew my show for another 19 seasons which will be a first in the world of television. The previous record holder was 18 seasons of Samurai Catburger and Friends also produced my production company The Samurai Catburger Production Company.

Hamhocks for the Ages

Hamhocks is a word that has boundless uses. For instance, Samurai Catburger uses it to describe what he is eating in episode 7 where he has a hamhock for dinner. He says "This is a hamhock." It's just a very versatile word. In other word news, Piada Puccinelli was on the Rachel Ray show and they both bored each other to death. Which worked out better than anyone could have planned, except for me because I've been planning that event for years. Finally, events set in motion during the 1st age will finally come to fruition and I will finally be on television and I won't have to wear a giant purple dinosaur suit.

Claire McCatsville

I was talking about cats a while ago and it reminded me that I hate politics. The two party system is just a mess. Both parties are a mess and nobody knows what or who to believe anymore. That's where I come in. I have the cat knowledge to unite our wounded country and bring a new sense of togethercatness. Notice I did not say Catniss. Because I'm here to tell you that I read that book and it was like reading a Curious George novella. Also knotice that I did not say Catniss Evergreen because that would also remind me of the last time I read a Paddington Bear episode. I would also like to say something about dogs. Dogs are like cats, only bigger.