Critics + bloggers = Bliggics

Have you ever watched a movie which revolves around books written by an immensely popular deceased female British author whose books include Northhanger Predjudice,  Emma the Barista, The Gray Demon of Sanditon and Other Tales, Wuthering Pride, Manchester United, Senseless Pesuasion and Berkshire Hathaway?  I have.  I'm sorry if you have too.  But when you take an author with the pedigree the likes of Jane "Dickens" Austen (Dickens was her nickname, as referenced in her autobiography aptly named "Dickens is my nickname:  The Life and Times and Jane "Dickens" Austen.")  Anyway, as I was saying, if you're going to base your entire movie around the books I've mentioned, you could at least attempt to make it a good movie.  The Jane Austen's Books Club was such a pathetic movie it defies almost all description.  In fact the love I bear thee, dumb movie, can afford no better term(s) than this(ese):  Thou art a villain.  But all in all it was a pretty good movie.  You have the overbearing old lady, the under bearing and thus victimized middle aged lady, the loose cannon unpredictable alternative daughter, the lustful French teacher lady who seems to have never been in a relationship despite the fact that she's married, the older woman who loves the young dude who loves the older woman yet neither of them seem to know what to do next and oh yeah, the older woman who knows how to help everyone but it so irritating you just want her to stop talking and the young hipster dude who is good at computers or something and has two sisters or something like any of that even matters.  The point is that the movie was so bad and so universally panned by critics and bloggers and reporters that, oh notice that bloggers got their own distinction in that last sentence because they are neither critics nor reporters, where was I.  Oh yes, the movie was so maligned and loathed that, I mean, just listen to some of this criticism:

Austen wrote six novels and The Jane Austen Book Club is about six people who meet to discuss them over the course of six months. 666. Coincidence? I think not.

There you have it.  Nobody in the whole world or apparently the next world or the underworld like this movie.  To call it a chick flick would insult all the great chick flicks out there like The Gray Demon of Sanditon and Other Tales.

Microbrains and Microbrans

What is a microbran you ask?  Well I'm glad I "inceptioned" that question into your brain for you to ask to me.  And since I "inceptioned" the question into your brain, I also already "inceptioned" the answer in there too and now you know the truth.  But the truth be told, I also "inceptioned" the very notion into my own brain to "inceptioned" your brain, so who has "inceptioned" who?  On the other hand of the coin, microbran should actually be microbrand because of all the lame brand identities.  Brand identities as a concept is also lame, as is branding and brand experiences.

A Simple Kind of Lives

I was watching Food Network the other day, the real Food Network I mean, not the Meals on the Tube network, and I saw my nemesis on it again.  Bilchel Bagrays.  I wish she would deep fry herself in her own EVOO brand of EVOO.  I actually saw the bottle, it's called EVOO and the caption on the bottle says "Who knows what it is, but it's yummo!"  That pretty much sums up the entire rachel ray experience right there, no food background other than eating, no food experience other than eating, no food theory.  She's just an accident.  A perky personality on TV who happened to be in the right place at the right time.  Or wrong place/wrong time depending on who's talking.  Since nobody is, it could be either sentence.  I also saw my other arch nemesis, some new girl with idiotic pigtails.  Here's a tip for you girl with the pigtails, you can't call something your own if it's been done for hundreds of years.  You can't call it "My Pomegranate Spritzer" when all that's in it is pomegranate juice ice cubes and lemon juice and seltzer water.  That is not "your' anything.  That's a bunch of ingredients that are commonly mixed together all over the world.  Just like your brains because your brains are filled with food from all over the world.

The Challenge of Living

The challenge of living is to live.  Of course that only applies to those who are livingly challenged, like dead people for example.  Another example is gorillas.  That reminds me, there is a hidden game in all versions of Windows called Gorillas.bas.  You have to install windows 3.1 though because it only works in that version.  Then, go to QBasic and type this:

10 Gorillas.bas

20 Play game

Check my flow.  Then just press enter and you'll play Gorillas.  It's sort of like Doom except instead of bullets you use gorillas.  Talk about forward thinking.  In other news, gorillas are being used to program games about gorillas.  That's what's known as a cruel irony.  If it were gorillas programming games about bananas, that would be called a conundrum.

Black Friday

Fridays are so fun/It makes me run/Running is on friday/Fridays are the fun/

 

I just wrote that song.  I can sing things so good.  I'm a total freakin' rust out from mars.  Winning.  That's how I role.

The Sweetest Escape Thing

It's been almost ten years since I put pen to this digital paper and began typing out a blogger issue.  What a long strange 10 years it's been.  I once told the worse joke in my entire life using the word been in the place of the word ben.  I'll let you figure it out from there.  But it's pretty bad.  I was at the Gwen Stefani concerto and it was awesome when she started playing The Sweet Escape with the violin. 

A funny story

Looks like someone's finally catching up.  I've been saying it for years--people on facebook are narcissists.  Now there's even a book about it.  It should be my book.  It's called Narcisisstbook.com:  How Facebook makes a narcissist out of everyone.  But since I didn't write it, I won't be getting much of the royalties, only about 8.12teen percent.  Actually that reminds me of a funny story.  There was once a poor farmer wife's who was very curious about what her poor husband kept behind their locked closet door.  He would just tell her "You won't see anything dear."  Day after day, "You won't see anything dear."  Years went by, then some more days, then another year and 3 months.  "You won't see anything dear."  Finally, she decided to steal his key while he was sleeping, which he kept around his neck.  She crept up to the closet door, slowly inserted the key into the keyhole, turned it as quietly as possible until it went *click*.  She began to turn the handle when she heard a familiar sound behind her.  "You won't see anything dear."  She turned around and her husband took out her eyeballs and put them in a box next to their bed.  The end.

Feelings Realings

I was listening to Miss Independent the other day which is actually right now.  Surprise!  It's time.  To feel.  What's real.  Those words really speak to me.  Because I need.  To feel.  What's real.  Also.  Look, I'll be the first person who writes a blog to admit that I like Celly Clarkson, or CC as we call her.  Yeah yeah, since u been gone.  We're good friends really.  I also get what I want just like CC.  I would like to win American Idol.  It's true.  That would be rocking.  Except now that it has no credibility anymore, it wouldn't be worth winning it.  Now hopefully it will be put to death with these two idiot judges, who are they again?  The guy who plays Aragorn and that one game programmer who invented Doom.  I mean, these dudes aren't hitmakers, they don't have their finger on the pulse of the tv/music industry like I do. 

Aqua of Quarius

I'll spread my wings as I learn how to fly though it's not easy to tell you to fly.  Out of the darkness and into the sun though I won't forget the times I bought guns.  I'm gonna make some change, take a chance, buy some pop and fade away.  Oh CC, you won't ever fade away.  That earthy voice is just what we need in this day and age of Aquarius.  This is the pawning of the age of aquaria, age of aquaria.   

Vampire Foodies

It's funny to think that people are food for vampires.  What happens when vamps get all foodie on the human race.  How will I rate?  I feel like my blood is probably good blood.  But that's from a non-vamp perspective.  What's also funny is that vamps aren't immortal by Ronald McDonald standards.  I did hear a funny joke on the radio:  If you have a pear shaped body, you shouldn't wear pear colored clothes.  This is also true if you are parsnip or veal shaped.

What is Real?

Precious little these days, let me tell you.  Do you know what a Potemkin village is?  Of course you, you well-informed, hyper-connected, earth-conscious hipster.  The point is that I work in architecture--urban planning, more specifically and I will tell you that what you think is real, is not real.  When you go to a modern outdoor shopping center what does it look like?  You've got trees in clusters, paths of cobblestone pavers or other earth tone materials, tall street lamps and benches.  Most importantly, you have shops.  Or should I say shoppes.  These shoppes have large windows, warm lights from the inside and quaint signs that hang overhead.  It's important for you to know to that this is not real.  It's only supposed to look real.  It's only supposed to look like a village from a Hans Christian Anderson story.  Do you think the owner of that store hand-carved the sign that hangs over the doorway?  Is it even made out of wood?  Is that person even the owner?  Do you think that store is really lit by candlelight?  Is that real frost on the window?  Are you really standing in Cape Cod?  None of this is real.  It's an illusion.  It's a lie.  And you bought it all hook, line and sinker.  As an architecture specialist, we design these illusions, or "spaces" as they are called by some of my contemporaries for one singular purpose.  That purpose is to separate you from your money.  And as you can see with the number of "spaces" like the one I've been describing have cropped up in the last 5 years, you can guess that they are effective.  The fundamental principle behind this is that humans are essentially stupid and that for some unknown reason, if you can get one to feel good about something, they are going to spend money.  This is known as the "Evocative Finance" phenomenon.  People think with their hearts no matter how much you try to convince them to do otherwise.  And so we build these quaint Potemkin villages complete with waterwheels, flower beds, sculptured rockeries and views of sunset because it makes humans feel good, it makes them think with their hearts.  They like this kind of atmosphere.  They want to be part of the story.  Which they are, it's just that we're the authors and they do what we say.  And so with them feeling good about the world, they spend spend spend on anything.  And that gives our clients a good return on their investment which in turns makes them feel good about us and the cycle repeats itself. 

Face book

Have you seen the one tv show called "The Work Building?"  It's a funny send-up of everything that happens in a regular office including people without shoes on, people without feet on, office bromance and romance, the boss and the underlings and so much more.  Anyway, there's a character on there named Dwayne and he's really funny because he's kind of a funny guy that wants to be king.  He's kind of neurotic and is in love with another dude's wife.  I was thinking about it and the fact is that we all work with someone like Dwayne Shoot.  I do.  She sits in the aisle over from me and she's a neurotic narcissist just like everyone else on facebook.  The point I'm making in this long drawn-out saga is that people on facebook are narcissists plain and simple.  You post stuff on there and then you wait for someone to see what you wrote.  You put a picture on there and wait for someone to see what you look like.  You do stuff and then wait to see what people say about you.  It's like you have a crush on yourself.  You're all just self-stalking yourselves on your own facebook accounts.  Ooooh!  What'd they say about me?!  Now there's nothing wrong with a little unrestrained narcissism, but I just feel like it's gotten out of hand with all this thefacebook.com stuff.  I mean just like raptor means bird, face means "in love with your own face."  So stop being in love with your own face.  I guess that's why they changed it from "Myface" to "myspace" because of the real meaning of the word face.  If they would change the name to be spacebook, we would just could have avoided all this business in the first face.

Just in case

I'm going through the new Justin Bieber workout video and it's pretty good.  I'm learing how to flip my hair like he does.  There are lots of little girls who are in love with him, it's true.  It's also extremely disturbing.  Why is there is this phenomenon.  There are 4 year olds who are screaming his name just like 13 year olds.  Stupid kids.  Don't worry everyone else that has a taste for legitimate music, in a couple years we'll be seeing his mug shot on the smoking gun and by then he'll be just another Lohan. 

Stunt doubles in the land of food

I was speaking with Rodgen Stillbut the other week.  And I say speaking when in reality I mean writing in braille.  He was pleased with the success of my new show which is currently on both food networks, the actual Food Network and Meals on the Tube network.  Of course since I can't actually be in two places at once, I've used a stunt double to host the show on Food Network but I don't think anyone can really tell the difference.  Rodgen was asking what my long term plans were and I didn't really have an answer.  Rodgen I said, er--that is it to say, I stamped out in braille, "I don't have any long term scams" then I wrote, "I mean plans."  He then stamped out in braille using his good arm "When you fail to plan, you stand to sail."  I stamped "That's actually really profound, thank you."  With that I took my leave and decided to come up with some long term plans for my two shows which is actually just one show. 

Continuation of the word awesome

I spoke briefly yesterday about how the word awesome now means the opposite of what it's intended to mean.  And how a funny facebook status is not awesome.  Then I made a remark about colliding galaxies being truly awesome.  Which they are.  Another thing that is truly awesome is that video of the guy who gets his head stuck in an elephant's butt.  I mean, how could he not get anything he wanted anywhere he goes?  He could walk in starsux and order a large venti gucci spiced mocha lattecino and then say "By the way, I'm the elephant butt guy" and they would just hand it over and say, "this is on us sir."  Overpriced coffee based beverages, cars, houses, that guy could get anything he wants.  Zombies are also completely overused.  Like I said before, once they make it into mainstream commercials, that's it.  Zombies have been in ford commercials, zombie movie commercials and zombie videogame commercials.  That all equates to too much zombie boringness.  It's all just kind of old now.  It's like the dude who keeps telling the same joke over and over again sometimes within mere minutes of previously telling it.  It's just not funny anymore.  Time to get some new material zombies.

Practice pitching

I pitched another movie idea at the hospital to a good friend of mine, Dr. Tobatter Nitflimsche.  I just call him Tobit for short.  I was telling Tobit about this movie idea, an idea that came to me as I was talking to another good friend of mine Rutmann Flitsbiggons.  The movie idea I was talking to Rutmann about was the story of a group of exiles, exiled so long ago they don't know who they are or where they are or even what they are really.  During the course of their exile, they discover the answer to all of these things and find out that they aren't actually exiles at all, but a search party, looking for a group of exiles.  As I was explaining that movie to Rutmann, I came up with the idea for the other movie that I just pitched to Tobit.  That movie idea was the story of the original exiles, why they were exiled and at what cost they were brought back.  Tobit liked the idea, Rutmann liked the idea.  So now I just have to pitch both ideas to an actual producer in Hollywood.  But I have to thank the good doctor and Mrs. Flitsbiggons for their encouraging remarks.  They have both had success towards the end of their lives with the movies Salt, The Great Gandolfini and his Amazing Circus Freaks, One Life to Live, The Vampire Diaries and Waterworld.  The movie industry will miss them and their ability to help people practice pitching movies.

We are learning organization

Don't you want to learn?  I have a video that is funny.  But it is only funny if you have heard of or have experience with the concept of 5S.  If you do not, it will not be funny.  If you do, it will be funny.  That is my binary logic.  Something else about binary logic states that if a solution solves at least two problems, because binary means two, then the solution is an effective solution.  If it solves 3 solutions, it's a 3nary logic problem and cannot be solved with binary logic.  Weird how that works. 

The word Awesome

The word awesome is overused.  Awesome doesn't mean awesome anymore, it just means cool+funny+youtube+zombies, which by the way, are also overused.  I know a word is overused when it makes it onto a breakfast cereal commercial.  "It's like a mouthful of awesome!"  I'll tell you what it's a mouthful of, a mouthful of stupid because that commercial is stupid.  Awesome, like other words in the past, now means the opposite of itself.  If someone says "That is awesome!"  I know that whatever preceded that statement is not awesome, but most likely something they saw on youtube or some  Facebook status or something related to zombies.  And is any of that truly awesome?  Of course not.  Facebook statuses, like everyone else on facebook, is an idiot.  Colliding galaxies, underwater colonies, time travel, those things are truly awesome.  A better word to describe a funny facebook status is dimwit.

Avatardiculous

Yeah right.  Anyway, I was watching Avatar:  The Last Blue Alien Thing at a warehouse store that rhymes with Pam's Osco and the HD was too much.  Which is why I don't watch movies in HD.  Unless it's a hospital drama.  I can't get enough of those.  Please keep making hospital dramas because we want more of what you got.  We all know drama, and, we all know Dharma.  And beyond that we know that within the walls of a hospital, that's where the real drama is.  Hospitals and Jersey Shores, that's where it's at for the dharma--uh, drama.

The way going forward

We've got to focus on leveraging our synergies, being top of mind, thinking out of the box, blah blah blah.  I'm gonna say something, and I'm not going to sugar coat it, business talk, or the way people talk to each other in the business world is laughable.  Some day, some day eventually, I'm going to interrupt two people conversing in business speak and I'm going to say to them:  "Excuse me, but you both sound like complete idiots.  Do you even know what you're saying to each other?"  And they won't know, because business speak is designed to hide the truth.  It's designed to cover people's collective asse(ts)s so they can keep making things sound good when it fact the project is going straight to hell.  Straight ta hell is where I sent 'em.  But I digress.  The fact is that businesses everywhere are failing.  Not that they are going under or losing business, but they are failing because they are not performing at the level they could be specifically because of this ridiculous pseudo-vocabulary of business speak which is hiding the truth, the real honest-to-goodness truth about their actual business performance.  Now, as part of my line of work, I get contacted frequently by CEOs, CFOs, CMOs, CFCs and HFCSs, and they always ask me if I can stop over and benchmark their companies.  But I don't need to go to their companies to know how they are doing.  I tell them straight to their face, you're failing.  You, personally, are failing your company.  Missed deadlines, unmet expectations, short term thinking in a long term world;  you are failing.  Then they start crying and I have to find them a napkin or use my tie or something.  Don't cry you pathetic CEOs, just do what you say you're going to do.  Don't hide the truth.  Don't think in the short term when your success depends on the long term.  And most importantly, straight ta hell is where I sent 'em.

Whinos and Rhinos

It doesn't take a whino to know that blogging is for idiots.  But enough about whinos.  I'd like to shift this discussion to rhinos.  Did you know that a fullgrown rhino is 19% more likely to access the internet than it's primate counterparts?  That is real science from real scienceologists.  So many times my email inbox gets filled up by people asking what my take on this and that are.  So I'll tell you.  This is a fine word;  that, however adds little value to a sentence.  Other peoples are asking what I think about how the presidential race is shaping up.  Well, like I've been saying for hundreds of years, the quickest way to win an election is to promise space colonies.  Nobody wants to live on Earth anymore and space is the place.  The moon is a fine start.  I mean, wouldn't it be cool to look up at full-moon and see the lights of a city or something.  Mars is another good candidate, the red planet, or what has become known lately as The Cake Planet because it's made of a frosting like substance that is actually edible.  So, The Cake Planet is great, but Jupiter and Saturn are not at this point hospitable to oxygen breathing humans.  And the rest of the planets that nobody cares about, maybe they'd work, maybe not.  Maybe bot.  And finally  Pluto, the reject.  It would make a fine planet for the ice people from that movie Ice People Dance Good.   

With frenemies like these

Who needs anemones?  I find it interesting that Finding Nemo has been the biggest movie that has come out of Pixar.  I mean, it's the best one so it should also be the biggest one too right?  Toy Store 3 was phenacular I mean, truly.  Wall-E wins for the most robots and Monsters Inc wins for the most doors and also is the worst movie they've made so far and they should also stop making sequels to movies that aren't good like Cars and Monsters INXS.

The life and times of Rodgen Stillbut

Nobody knows cooking shows like ol' Rodgen.  As a producer on a number of award winning shows like "Cooking with Apes", "Food with Norman Recog" and "Tulsa on 3 mice a day", Rodgen knows a winner when he sees one.  That is to say, when he hears one, as he is blind in one eye and the other eye is missing.  So I couldn't "curb your [my] enthusiasm" for this one of a kind food show producer when he used his communicator box and his remaining good arm to signal to me that my show will be the next big hit on his up and coming food network competitor, which is going to be named "Meals on the Tube" network.  Pretty catchy name, isn't it?  So that was my good news.  The other good news is that Sven's Teens will be made into a movie by that powerhouse team Michael Bay and Will Smith.  I am pretty excited about that.  The last Michael Bay movie I saw was pretty awesome and original and non predicatable and not so full of gratuitous skin shots and violence that I couldn't even pretend to enjoy it.  Of course I'm referring to Avatormers.  It was so cool, the one kid, who is super famous now for being a bad actor, gets transduced into the body of this giant robot alien which transmorphs into a human man.  In this form, he must try and integrate into their society and prove himself by completing several human rituals like BBQing and videogames.  He's successful of course as a human played by an alien robot played by a human and it's that tricky dynamic between he and his costar that the movie is so successful.

Compute compute

I just computed in from the coast and boy is my brain tired.  This computing is making me thirsty.  I watched a seinfeld episode marathon on Saturday.  It was one of these single episode marathons.  I loved it.  Really brought back some memories.  Well, Oprah has finally kicked the bucket.  The show, not the person, that is.  Oprah has been a mainstay in Cooking Television for almost my entire life.  Who could forget when she and Gail drove across America in search of the best pizza and then when they got back to the studio, they ate the pizza.  That was just classic-and classy.  And that's what I love about Oprah.  How she pushes her liberal agenda.  I mean, the nice things she does for her guests.  Like take them to AUSTRALIA!  SCREAMING AND SCREAMING!  I mean, who can replace her.  There is only one person, and that one person is either Barbara Walters and Katie Colic and Matt Lauer too, all rolled into a binary person.  If not that "amalgam" of people, then Rosie the Robot who was a faithful house servant to the Jetsons for all those years.  She, like Oprah, has amazing things to say.  Sure thing Mr. J!

The Interspectional Language

While it is perfectly acceptable to say "Hans Gruber" when you meet a German for the first time as a greeting, you can also say "Merry Poppin" to any Englishman and it will be smiled upon also.  Ricky speaks the international language very well.  But what does all this mean exactly.  That a mere perfuctory glance at a Jane Austen movie doesn't give any critic the ability to speak ill of said movie.  But here's the reality.  Movies based on Jane Austen's work are, for the most part, decent.  Movies about Jane Austen's work or even Jane Austen herself are  in their entirety, perfectly stupid.  I'm still waiting for a accurate movie based on her real, not made up, autobiography:  ""Dickens is my nickname:  The Life and Times of Jane "Dickens" Austen"".