A case of the yummos

I've got a bad case of the yummos.  That means that everytime I'm trying to say a transducitive comment, it just turns into something about yummos.  That reminds me of the that funny episode of Star Trek called The Trouble with Yummos.  I started huluing another episode of 30 Minute Mummos about shopping at the grocery store.  No really, the summary of the episode was something about getting your ingredients from the grocery store.  Which is good, because I've been scraping my ingredients off the road for the past 35  years, so thanks Rachel for your cosmic insight.  I'm going to try and grab some screengrabs of Rummo making the weird faces that she makes and post it on the internet surrounded by a blackbox with a white caption that reads "EVOO"  and then under that:  "If you drink enough of it, you'll be as smart as me!"  That might not be damaging enough though.  How about "My face"  and then under it "Is actually a piece of sculpy".  No that's too funny and not mean enough.  I know "TV Cooking Shows"  followed by "Now anyone can be a chef!"  I don't know, I'm not tapping into my depthless loathing of her show and her "talent".  I'll get there someway, somehow.  Hey Corinne Bailey Ray, thanks.

Sven's Teens

Goodness what is that on your face?  That's what Norman Flont asked Rachel Ray when she was cooking her trademark Yam and Eel Coconut Torte.  Rachel didn't know what was going on though.  Norman was just there as a guest.  I had a subway the other day, and even though it didn't taste like Jared Fogle, it was alright.  My friends the subway gnomes made it and left it in front of my door in the morning.  But next time you stupid gnomes don't make the sandwich 15 hours in advance and leave it outside in the sultry rain.  It was all wilted and sogged.  Lousy stupid gnomes.  And don't put so many yellow peppers in it next time.  I swear if I've told them once I've told them a hundred and seventeen times.  That reminds me, I used to read a magazine called Sven's Teens.  It was about Sven's Teens who had super powers.  One could parallel park any vehicle, one could make popcorn go into his mouth using only his hands, one could sing really good, one could change the channel with any remote that was preconfigured for the specific tv, one could remember things pretty good and that last one, Sven, liked computers.  I remember one of their episodic misadventures, they were babysitting the neighbor's baby, but the baby got out and it turns out it was a genius baby and when the bad guys came to try and steal the baby, they always just ended up hurting themselves.  Sven's Teens were safe at home though.   They were having an argument about which show was better, Balky goes to Jail or Ernest goes to Camp.  In the end they decided to check on the baby, but the baby had built a large protocannon and atomized Sven's Teens into atoms.

What Hits?

Nowadays everybody wanna talk like they got something to say but nothing comes out when they moved their lips it's just a bunch of subway footlongs something something forgot about Dre.  For those who do know aware of such things, Jared Fogle, yes THAT Jared Fogle, has hit the famous music studio "Feed me I'm starving" this past week to record his latest record.  He said his new album is really going "to take the listener places with it's longer tracks and hot baked bread, er, awesome guitar riffs I mean."  We all know that Jared means well, but it's hard for him to function with his condition.  Jared's new album is reportedly titled "Jared:  You sunk my battleship."  It's a new direction for the fogler who found incredible success with his previous album "U Can't Stop da HITZ" and of course his amazing debut album "Da HITZ JUS KEEP ROCKIN'" 

Blogging, the great enemy.

People have stopped me in the streets and come up to me in toy shops and breakfast nooks to ask me a simple question.  They ask "Why do you blog?"  The answer to that is undeniably simple.  I blog because I hate blogging.  It's my ultimate hope that my blogging will eventually lead people to realize that blogs are not a legitimate source of news.  They are opinion editorial pieces.  I would like to see more investigatory journalism.  Anyone can have an opinion.  Most people do.  Few people however will sneak into a chicken factory in the middle of the night to document how KFC employees mismanage the birds.  Wait that's a bad example, I find those videos entirely entertaining.  The point 70% of the population of this planet has internet access and can type up an opinion piece in a matter of minutes.  And we take them at their word.  For instance, did you even question my statistic?  It's pure bogus and you believed it.  It has become 55% easier to invent statistics for use in blogs than it used to be, believe it.  So now that you understand that blogging is not a legitmate source of actual news, what can you do about?  I would challenge you to write your senator and other state representatives and urge them to pass the Dulcimer-Bosen Act which mandates that all blogs will be federally monitored by a government task force.  It will be the task force's job to assign each blog a weekly rating based on the amount of opinion which is being passed off as news.  Eventually, if you get a high enough rating, the blog will be shutdown and all referring links from every page on the internet will be erased and the domain will be absorbed and owned by the federal government and you won't even be able to type the address into the browser as all broswers will be minute by minute updated with a current blacklist of domains that it will not allow to be typed into the address bar, thus erasing any and all evidence that it ever existed.  As you can see the Dulcimer-Bosen Act is exhaustingly comprehensive.  It will ensure that news style blogs will be steadily exterminated, making room for more accurate and authoritative investigatory journalism.  I can understand some trepidation about this new law, but the fact is that on any given day, worldwide, blogging alone consumes 45% of available bandwidth for the entire planet.  That is bandwidth that could otherwise be made to send email faster, update facebook with more status updates, faster twitters and a myriad of other things that are currently bogged down because of the bandwidth hog that is blogging.  If we stand together we can defeat blogging once and for all.  If we stand apart, we will be blown down by winds of blogging.

The CarniWilsonCode

it's hard working in an office where people talk.  In other news people who use Twitter are called Twits.  People who blog are called idiots.  Hahahahaha.  It takes one to know one losers!  Oh wait, that means that I am also one of you people.  People who use Facebook are called Faces and people who use MySpace are called Sexual Predators.  I have approximately 15 blogs entries to publish, but I haven't done it yet, so this will look like I posted everything on a single day, which is my intention since I wrote all of these on a single day as well.  In other news, on Celetwitty Deathface Sarah The 30 Minute Phenom Yummo is going up against Jared Fogle in the first televised "Eat Off."  They have to consume each other and the first person who devours the other person wins.  The last time there was a televised "Eat Off", Carni Wilson had to devour Ricki Lake.  They both lost.  There are some lyrics of a certain song and they go like this "I'm pushing an elephant up the stairs, I'm tossing out punch lines that were never there."  Have you ever stopping to thoughts about what that meanned?  I think it has something to do with Carni Wilson and the CarniCode.

Progging

It's no secret that my goal is to become a pro blogger, which is actually going to happen right...almost...almost...one sec...annnnnd...I'm a pro blogger now.  Because that's about all it really takes.  Some other things I'm also a pro at:  spray bottle spraying, daydreaming, abstract theorizing on abstract theories and I also like Disney movies, but at the pro level.  Now I just need all that sweet moola to start pouring in my inbox.  You pro bloggers, why so serious?  We were all waiting for your opinion all these years and now, thanks to the miracle of people with nothing better to do, we can browse your brilliant opinions at length and according to our own leisure.  Oh wait, I forgot this was the entry where I talk about politics because I know so much about it.  So President M. Jackson cristened his new ship the, well I can't say the name.  Oh wait, you dead MJ!

Economic Monkery

The cost of business is high these days, especially with the economic monkery that we're all embroidered into.  But that kind of capital won't stop Fox from releasing another Simpsons knockoff.  Speaking of the simkins, I watched the movie along time ago and I felt foolish because it was all stuff that I felt like I'd seen already.  The point is that you shouldn't watch movies you've already seen.  In other news, it's now been a week and I have watched many movies that I've already seen.  Duck Tales, Design Star 2112, Think Tank Apocalypse, Starbeat Vampire, and all those shows, I mean, movies are really good.  But the best thing available right now is Harry Potter and the Everybard Beedle Flavors.

It aint water if it ain't wet

I just got back the magical city of Gummadoon and boy are my gummi arms tired.  It's hard to keep your arms flapping when you're made of chewy gooey gummi bear substance.  High adventure that's beyond compare.  But seriously, I was in Gummadoon.  I bet I felt how Bill and Ted felt when they went into the Matrix.  I also felt that way when I first saw The Bangles On Ice.  It was a great show.  Wake up kids we got the dreamer's disease.  Even if you don't have the music in you, Rachel Ray, you can still be a professional idiot.

Suessian starcasting

Everthing's happy underground.  The other day I was making fun of something and I said "Hey this piano solo reminds me that time Rachel Rayman was making mustard spinach soup with quail eggs."  And you know what?  It really did.  The point in all of this kitncaboodle is that you can't expect something to happen that cannot happen.  A great man once said "No matter how the wind howls, the mountain cannot bow to it."  And that is my groove, the rhythym in which I live my life, my pattern of behavior.  And just because I skip out on my choir performance to collect odds and ends doesn't mean that I'm some kind of noble ill-tempered beast.  I can still metaphorically rescue the little girl from her terrible aunt who is after a huge diamond.  Metaphorically of course.  It doesn't take a dalmation to tell me what I should do.  I can still return to the lands of my forefathers and take back my pride and my rock from the enemy who has betrayed my kin to a pack of hyenas.  And even though I was made fun of for my huge ears and pink psychadelic visions, I can paint with all the colors of the wind with the best of them.  No fox in human clothing is going to steal my riches and give them to the other poor animals in human clothing, so just put that pea shooter down.  Esmerelda is a tramp. 

We're ready to disease you

Hotdogs and frogdogs are my new favorite foods.  Frogdogs are like hotdogs except you stuff the hotdog skin with live frogs and watch it hop around.  You're free to eat it if you want.  Whose cuisine rains supreme?  Mine does of course, the eccentric quadrillionaire and founder of kitchen stadium.  Please let me enjoy my pepper in peace.  Red the blood of angry food, black the dark of ages past.  In other news I scored the part of the angry witch in Les Miserable, which being translated means "This play will make you miserable".  I've been in too many plays to now just turn a blind eye when I hear something that is out of tune in a play or out of sync with the rythym of the play or even out of character with set design.  I have to intervene.  I have to macrograde.  I cannot just "peel the orange" like before.  I must refill the pen with more than just catgut.  I do all this, all of this, in an effort to make the play "become the last leaf on the pine tree" and rise to tethered windows on the back of a giant otterpop.  With my help and inspiration, any play can become a better play, or more accurately, a better ragtime quiz festival of wheels and motion.

A long yummo

A long december and theirs reason to believe maybe this year will be yummo than the last.  But this year isn't better than the last.  It's worse.  There's more yummo this year than the last year which makes it worse.  Anything with yummo for brains girl makes it worse.  I have to buy a new car.  Which is a pain in the yummo.  Don't believe me, ask the dishes.  I'm going to write a review of The Vampie Diaries.  Here it is.  The Vampire Diaries is a waste of your life.  If you watch it, you will be stupider than even before you watched it, if that's even possible.  If you want to get smarter, watch Space Ghost Coast to Coast.  I watched Cloverzilla the other day.  I also watched Wipeout on my ps3 and it was way better.  It's fun to watch people get hurt, or at least get humiliated.  The best part is when they try really hard and they fail even harder.  It's just easier and more entertaining to watch people fail than succeed.  Which is why after the audition segments of most talent shows they cease to be entertaining anymore.  And also NBC cancelled Life, which made me cancel my own life.

The Dork Tower

I've been reading those things from that website.  You know, where you want to know what happens in a book, but you lack the ability to read.  I was reading on encyclopiki.org the summaries from the books.  Because I was looking at a poster from the Movie called Salem's Lot.  Which is a really cool movie poster I also read. The summaries from.  Salems Lot  Stephanie King is kind of weirdo anybody that regularly writes.  About children getting abducted or mauled or turned into vampires is. Weird the movie Twilighting is stupid too Moonlighting with Willis and Shepard is not stupid. 

Stream of Yummo

For some reason I started watching Rachel Yummo the Dummo cook something with some winner of some cooking contest.  Rachel is such a moron I can't even begin to descibe with the same kind of journalistic excellence that I'm used to displaying of what she was talking about I can't ever know how stupid she is with the whisk stirring the chiken in the pot but who could ever really know, you know?  That was a pretty long transducitive stream of consciouness.

Yummofield

Someone once asked me "Boy, I say boy, why are you so bitter about everything?"  Well, I told that giant talking chicken the same thing I'm about to tell you.  In other news, I've been listening to lots of Rachel Ray's new album called "Rachel Yummo and the EVOO's - Anyone can be a chef" because if Rachel Yummo proves anything, beside that people will eat anything they see on TV, she proves that anyone can become a chef.  I see that as a bad thing.  Not everybody should be chef, just like not everybody should be a doctor or a geologist or a security guard or a tv personality judge.  Not everybody should try to do everything.  You don't see me going out and getting my mall kiosk license do you?  That's because I'm not capable of standing in the middle of mall with a kiosk full of refuse that I'm trying to sell to old people and homeless people.  But I digress.  I was talking about Rachel Rummo's new album.  It is so awesome.  The first track is called Yummo, well, they're all called Yummo actually, but I digress again.  Listening to the first Yummo track is like watching Rachel Ray for the first time all over again.  That feeling you got when you saw her mix duck feathers with yakisoba and banana peels and stuff it into a frozen pita.  YUMMO CAN YOU GET ANYMORE YUMMO THAN THAT???  But I digress.  Why so serious.  The track called Yummo is so yummo.  It's not that I want Rachel EVOO to get devoured by those things that pop out of the cloverfield monster's ears or anything, that'd be convenient sure, but I just don't think she's that great of a food makercooker.  Why so serious. 

A tribute to Whacko

Most people don't know this about me, but I can't stand hearing about Twits.  I mean, tweets.  In fact, I heard about it the other day in a place that I was not used to hearing about such useless and debointlizing subjects.  In other news the Twitsphere is ablaze with news of the Michael Jackson assassination attempt.  He was the subject of an assassination attempt, and well, they succeeded.  But here's to you Jacko:  You're a baby-dangling freak of nature with tendencies that make most people vomit on themselves and skin that allows light to pass through, but you could dance.  And I suppose in the end, the dancing will matter least.

The Futuresphere

I'm not in it to win it anymore.  I find no enjoyment being better than everyone else the way I used to find enjoyment.  Oh check out my new twitbook.  You can read about what I ate for mid-morning snack, when I go to the bathroom, what the person who is looking at me and talking is talking about and so much more.  I call it Twits for Dummies.  Now that twitter is the new way to communicate, I won't need to use my mouth.  And as we as a species begin to stop talking, our mouths will become vestigal.  Mouths will devolve into more of an opening, which is just the right shape for a straw which all of our nurishment will eventually come from.  If any of these frightening visions of the future frighten you, you should be frightened.  I've been to the future.

Space Aliens

Once in a blue moon I will do something nice for someone else.  Good thing those don't happen very often.  But what I'm really trying to say here is that we gonna give it to the world peace luv the gap.  And if you ain't givin it TO the world, you ain't IN the world. 

You gotta know when to roll 'em, know when to cold em'

Know when to turn around, and when to fall down.  'Cause yur gonna miss this.  Yur gonna want this back.  I saw a movie last night called, I can't remember, but it had someone who looks like Clive Owen, which looks like the guy in Pride and Prejudice.  So by the distributive property, if the guy in the movie looks like Clive Owen and so does the guy in Pride and Prejudice, we can deduct that the guy in Pride and Prejudice looks like the guy who looks like Clive Owen.  I was watching Molto Mario last night and it was good.  I mean, it was terrible, but good.  He's better on his own show than he is on Iron Chef American, which is a stupid show anyway.  He was making something italian with EVOO, and he actually said EVOO instead of just saying the whole phrase.  Then he said "I'm just going to call it EVOO from now on because my mentor has asked me to call it that."  I didn't know that Rachel Rimwit could be anyone's mentor due to her abject stupiditizing everything she sees.  She reaches in and grabs right hold of your heart.  She seems to have an invisibile touch-eh.  Speaking of Phil Collins, Brother Bear is a good movie.  It's better than all movies before it except for Sleeping Beauty, Hunchback of Notre Dame, The Little Mermaid, Casablanca and Conan.  I mean the disney versions of those movies. 

A boy and his blog

I'm sure I didn't type that first, but I thought of it first.  Back when I was playing a boy and his blob, I accidentally, or transducitively said, a boy and his blog.  So there you have it, irreparable proof that I'm right.  I still get some emails from Norman Recog.  He's enjoying his new cooking show, Food with Norm.  In my travels around the twit-filled-sphere, and the all the other idiotspheres, I have come across many recipes for macaroni and cheese.  In other news, I watched the armenian idle contest game show and everyone was expecting emo kid to win, even the judges who have been giving him home cooking since day one.  And I quoth Simon from the auditions:  "You are going to win this com-pe-tition.  None of the other singers in this com-pe-tition are as good as you.  You are the winner and the best in this entire com-pe-tition."  Paula said "You are absolutely going to go on and win.  I will enter into a relationship with you, and then fix the scoring because you're the winner already."  Said the black guy "Dog, you win.  You win, dog."  And the girl that nobody knows or cares about said something but nobody was listening.  So, were those judges in for a surprise when they announced this "Emo kid, you sang "I'm a little Emo short and stout" and the judges all agree that it was the best song they've ever heard in this dimension or any other parallel dimension."  "Chris, you sang the judges pick which was the theme for star trek the original series, and the judges said "It was the worst thing they've ever heard and you will not win."  "Americans voted.  Your armenian idol is Chris the guitar kid."  At this point all hell broke loose.  The black guy ran under a falling chandelier and was crushed but right before the chandelier hit him, he inhaled a gallon of CocaCola and died.  Simon put both his eyes out with his CocaCola straw then beat himself to death with his microphone.  A large 7th level Demon appeared behind paula and dragged her back to some hellish hell place because she promised that she would deliver on the emo kid but she failed.  The other girl just sat there because nobody even knew she was there in the first place.  the audience cheered at all this because on stage, Seacrest had hung himself with his necktie tied to his microphone cord tied to someone's guitar lead and as he was hanging himself, he chopped his own head off with the lid to his CocaCola cup.  Meanwhile the two idles are now making a movie called From Adam to Lambert, in which the winner of this round of incredulous idol will be playing emo kid's last name.

Cease and Desist

I did such a good job of discrediting blogging as a form of communication that I convinced myself to stop blogging.  But then I remembered that the greater good is to convince everyone else, so I'm back on my quest.  I also know I've been really down on Rachel Dummo about her stupid show--therefore it came as no surprise that I received a letter from her publicist.  It reads as follows:

 

Dear Sole Propietor of The Green Bottle Blog:

My name is Norman Recog and I am the chief publicist for Rachel Ray and this is an official cease and desist order.  We have received a number of complaints levied against this website regarding the use of her likeness and cooking trade secrets.  Please discontinue divulging Rachel's recipes.  She works really hard to create unique and interesting if not completely palatable meals within 30 Minutes.  And her viewership mostly consists of women who are too lazy or who have chosen to pursue a career instead of care for their families to put any more thought into a meal than 30 minutes.  The other part of her viewership are those who are delusional about cooking and who think they are as good as Rachel.  The truth is though, they probably are better than Rachel, but it's important that she not discover this secret.  Actually, truth be told, on days when she's feeling really "experimental" with food, we've actually stopped taping without telling her, because she can't tell the difference anyway.  Honestly, you'd think that when we turn all the cameras and lights off, that would be a signal.  But listen, the point is that Rachel is overrated as a tv chef and that's why she can't do anything like Throwdown with Bobby Flay or ever Iron Chef American.  You know what?  I think I'm going to tell her.  I'm a better chef, I should have my own show.  It'd be called Food with Norman Recog.  And none of this octopus ink lime smoothies or candy apple eggrolls or mincemeat yogurt parfait topped with caviar and creamed corn.  So thank you, please do not cease and desist, but instead uncease and insist and continue divulging the secrets of Rachel's success, especially the raw pork rind pad thai uncooked rice casserole.

Sincerely,

Normal Recog

Future host of Food with Normal Recog

So there you have it.  The saga of me making fun of Rachel Ray is over.  Besides, there just comes a time when the Norman Recogs of the world have to get up stand up stand up for your rights.  So here's to you Norman, you may be a terrible chef, but you're a miserable human being too. 

The end all blog all

This is the end of all blogging.  Whoops, wrong entry, sorry about that.  I thought it was 2112, my apologies.  Now that the date mix up is out of the way, lets go ahead and talk about the Weekly Yummo.  That's a new segment of the show where we take a scene from 30 minute meals and dissect it and find out exactly what makes it so great.  In s0ep-2 Yummobrain was making cheese-fried ice cream sandwiches and uncooked spaghetti custard topped with black bean and cabbage paste.  The point is that all things must come to an end.  But the real point is that nothing is so stupid in the area of social networking ,except for facebook, as Twitter.  Can we please objectively look at this for a moment?  As if blogging is terse and incomplete enough, now we have to create something called "microblogs."  What does that even mean?  Blogs are already micro.  Are twits lives so void of any kind of meaning and purpose that in order to find relevance they have to announce to the world all the stupid little things they do minute by minute?  Well, I guess if you're a vapid, empty, useless husk of a human, you'll be right at home with twitter.  But hey, if you have a million followers just like you, no worries right?  You just fit right in.

The word of the day is brontipesto

That word is from the beforetime when pesto was made with dinosaurs.  That was one recipe from last week's Ace of Cakes.  I had heard a lot of good things about Aces of Snakes but when I finally watched it, I thought it wasn't as good as all the bloggers all over the world thought it was.  It's not as good as Iron Chef--the real one, not the fake crappy one.  I get tons of crap from all over because of my belief that the best days of cable television are behind us.  Now that big corporate advertising has gotten behind the best shows as sponsors, it's going to be the same thing as boring network television, where even though the shows have different names and actors and actresses, there's still that nagging feeling that you've seen it all before.  That's why I don't watch TV anymore except Life and 30 Rock.  I don't watch the Office, Scrubs, ER, Mai Tai Transville, The Amazon Race, Facebook.TV, Welcome Home Kotter Family--Welcome Home, Breakfast at Ty Pennington's, America's Next Top Anorexic or Slimmer and The Real Ghostbusters.  Actually I still watch that last one.

Smallville Episode 11

I was listening to some Lady Gaga, but I wasn't going gaga for the lady hahahaha.  I haven't said any transducitive comments in a while, but maybe something will happen during this blog session.  I started watching a show Sleep on it which is on HGTV.  The shows on HGTV are increasingly about nothing that would be really useful to someone like me who is tired of watching other regular boring people do regular boring things.  Where is Hometime?  I thought HGTV was about teaching people about Homes and Gardens, not about the Borings and their boring lives and how entertaining is so important to them.  So important in fact, that it supersedes their relationship with their children.  Stupid.  Anyway, HGTV, please put more  instructional TV on your cable network because it's in danger of becoming TLC which other than What Not to Wear, is not worth watching.  I watched an episode of Space Ghost the other yesterday and it was so very funny.  So funny in fact that I couldn't stop laughing even during the commercials, which there were none in the first place.  30 Minutes Meals is the best show on TV.  Take that and party.

The Bloggers Manifesto

I sometimes find it hard to blog in the face of such increasing hostility towards me and my fellow professional bloggers.  We live in a complex, crafty, impasto world.  And what the world needs is more blogging disguised as journalism.  Even if that journalism is based on nothing more than your opinion.  Let that journalism/opinion be heard!  In any possible medium!  The world needs to hear what you think about everything!  Twit about it to all your Twit friends!  Blog about it until every last "traditional/authoritative/investigative" newspaper is out of business!  Facebook about it to everyone you never really wanted to keep in touch with in the first place!  But above all, no matter what glaring evidence contradicts and disproves your journalism/opinion, never ever concede that you truly know deep down inside yourself that you are completely full of crap, for YOU ARE A BLOGGER!

Books and busses

I recently took up reading for hobby instead of for sport.  What a difference that makes!  But I'd like to talk about a book I was writing, I mean, reading.  I won't tell  you what it is though because I don't want any spoilers spoiling the book for me.  Because it is so good.  It's the best book since I read The Tales of the Unfortunate Children who Wreck Everything.  It's called...it's called....no, I just can't.  I have to finish it first.  Then I will tell the world of what I'm feeling, this is not the end, a new beginning.  Well I came back to this entry after finishing my new book and I am ready to divest the name unto you.  It is called Harry Potter and the Bard Beetle.  Actually I read that too and I've commentaried on that in the future.  But the book is actually called "City of Ember."  And, without sarcasm or rachel yummo jokes, it was a fantastic book.  I really enjoyed it, even more than The Sad Children who unfortunately bite everything.

Being electrocuted

Being offended is a lot like being in love.  Except replace the word offended with the word love.  That is the wisdom of the ages.  Here's another story for you.  3 brothers decided to do what many other people in many other stories have done, which is to cheat death.  You cheat death of course, by beating him at something he's good at, in this case, I can't remember what it was.  Then, because you cheat death, he's obligated to give you whatever your heart desires.  In this case, it was a stick, a rock, and a cape.  These 3 items are known as the Deathly Bellows.  But wait, there's a trick, 2 of the items will turn on the user if the user is not wise.  Bet you didn't see that coming.  And of course, the youngest/wisest of the brothers is wise and doesn't fall for death's cunning trickery.  The end.  Oh wait, when the 3rd brother is ready to die, he greets death as an old friend, because that's what their relationship is based on, not cheating and tricking.  And what's the first thing you do after you finally meet someone that you've been running from and hiding from your entire life?  You greet them as an old friend.  At least, that's what wise young brothers do, even though death tricked your other brothers into dying years before you and has since hunted and chased you down as an act of revenge.  But at least they are old friends now.

The rebirth

I've decided to create a sound and sensible blog posting, for all the haysayers that do nothing but eat hay and talk about how I can't do this or that.  First of all, my new computer is smashtastic and tackles all incoming games.  Incoming game.  That is a funny transducitive comment.  I was meaning to talk about something, but my words got mixed up and now they mean the opposite of what I was originally not talking about.  These things just work themselves out though.  Lets see, what else can I talk about besides those 2 doughheads on FoodTV...I went to subway and enjoyed a delicious "steak" and cheese subway sandwich.  They actually made it pretty good, it hearkened back to the beforetime when they actually did pile stuff on them and it was a struggle, a downright struggle, to fit it all into the bun.  I was pleased with the results.  Speaking of struggles, I struggle to see why the Wachowskis desired to fork up what could have been the best movie trilogy of all time, The Matrices.  The first one was so ground-breaking and awesome that it changed cinema.  The other two were so ridiculously terrible, they reversed all the awesomeness of the first one and now the whole series is a big joke.  That is tragic.  But lets move on.  The destiny of this blog is to become the number one blog in the world.  But in order to make this happen, I need focus and clarity and lots of popular search phrases.  Why so serious? 

If you wanna be my elephonker

When you hear the word "Elephonk", what comes to mind?  Well, for me, it was the time that Guido McDorkus was cooking Elephonk Truffles on her show, Everyday Idiocy and she said, "This is going to add a nice Elephonk flavor to the truffles."  Then the camera filpped to a new scene of her in a club with some of her girlfriends and they drinking.  Yeah, we get it, you're so cool and italian that you get yourself filmed drinking some orangetinis.  Lets all fall down and worship you for your amazing cooking skills and also your taste in fruity alcoholic beverages.  I heard she was either getting married or is married to a football star.  I hope they like the words "nice" and "basically."  In other cooking news, Coke actually is it.  In more tire news, people that use tires on their vehicles have a greater chance of moving than those that try to modify their gastanks with a scam water powered fuel cells.  It's a scam people, I've confirmed with a highly published, highly decorated mechanical engineer.  He reviewed the proposal and then used the magic science to defirm that you can't in fact not run a vehicle that isn't powered by not water.  In other news, vanpooling takes less time that carpooling, but both of those activies take longer than blogging a decent, coherent blog post, which is why there are so few of those on the  nintendernet. 

I've never danced in the Pan Pacific Grand Prison

But I did dance in a Holiday Inn.  Smart huh?  Why so serious.  It has come to my attention that the general opinion towards my blog is one of disdain and uncouthness.  But you know what?  I'm going to take that disdain and uncouthness and I'm going to take it and roll it into a ball and neutralize it and throw it back to you in the form of a positive ball of positivity.  And you'll be like "SHAZAZZMATTAZZ!"  The point is that if there were no Harry Potter, would the face of children's literature be JK Rowling?  No, it'd be NK Stouffer for coming up with Muggles in the first place.  Take that JK Frauwdling.  The best part in the first Harry Potter movie was, let see, it was, hold on a sec, lets see...hold on, one more second, it was, hmmm, one sec, lemme see, it was.  I guess there wasn't a good part in that movie or any movie ever made except for Red Sonya.  But I'm told that all the rest of the movies are action packed and feature packed with muggles and muggbloods, giants and geeks, magic and materia.  All that matters is that if Harry Potter met Conan in a red room with black walls and white curtains and pink drapes and a purple door and orange window treatments and teal carpet and paisley wainscoting and mauve ceiling and green furniture and periwinkle afgan and yellow rug and grey trim, they'd both die from color inhalation.

Today on a very special episode of The Green Bottle

I sent my last post from a mobile device, but the way that posting to your blog, or bloasting, is handled by this application, it will not show that I did that last.  It will show what I did next but not in the right place.  Which is the last place.  This is simliar to the way Sarah 30 Minute Mummo goes about doing things wrong, but not on purpose.  She does things wrong because she is stupid.  It's not personal though, I just don't like her as a person.  In other cooking news, Bobby Flay is turning into the male Sarah Yummo.  He's got a ways to go, but I can see it forming.  I also saw someone make macaroni and cheese that was 2000 calories per serving.  That kind has 15 different cheeses, but can you really even tell the difference between real cheese and kraft cheese powder?  I know i can't.  I enjoy making macaroni and cheese but only if it is cooked al dente which means, by a dentist.  In other news, on the way home from work today I'm stopping to buy my new playstation 3 game called Sarah Yummo Dances to the Hits.  My other dancing based game, The Spice Girls Game, is so awesome it will rickroll you right out of your rickroll.  I was reading some old blogs by other people this weekend and it was pathetic.  Not the people, the blogs.  And the people.  I've been told many times my fascination with Yummos is greater than my fascination with Jared Fogle.  But all I can say is "The Pants Don't Lie".  If the Fogle ate slubway for every meal for 2 weeks and lost 300 pounds, anyone can.  Just don't add anything to your turkey and cheese nice and spicy chipotle.  Slubway--it does a body slub.

30 Minute Blogs

Today on 30 Minute Massacre Meals, Rachel McYummo is making a split pea and cottage cheese waffle with whey syrup and roe polenta cracklins.  YUMMO ARE YOU SO SERIOUS?!  Seriously though, that's so yummo.  I keep thinking about the connection between Rachel TheYummo Ray and the cloverfield monsters.  Both things cook things that look like themselves.  Both things should have been big tentacled creatures.  Both things have ear parasites that are also edible.  And both things currently have an overrated cooking/talk show.  Ha Rachel, I'm just teasing about that last one. 

30 Minute Mausea

I didn't watch 30 Minute Monstrocities yesterday nor did I watch Tapout with Bobby Flay nor did I watch Everyday Innocuous with Jimminie Cricketto.  I did watch a boxer get KO'ed by the first punch of the match.  And when he got up, he thought he was still boxing, he was trying to put his gloves up and everything as the ref was trying to tell him the fight was over.  In other youtube fighting news, the fat kid falling off the diving board is probably the best video of all time, and also the little german kid who jumps but doesn't quite make it into the swimming pool.  The real question is, does what you think out loud in your blog make you better than people who don't have a blog?  The answer is a simple answer.  I am better than other bloggers because I realize that blogging is not a legitimate form of communicizing.  It's just talking to whomever is listening, like Jack Burton does on the Pork Chop Express.  But what if nobody is listening?  Why do you still talk, er blog?  The answer is a simple answer.  Just like in Harry Potter and the Crab Grabbers 7, Harry was talking about something that happened to him in the before time and without thinking he began talking about the crab grabbers.  And that's how it's done.

Basically EVOO

This morning I was thinking about what I didn't write yesterday.  And I felt like perhaps I was too harsh towards my fellow professional food makercookers in the food cookers union.  I mean, we're all professionals right?  Just because Rachel Yummo wants to cook a steamed blueberry liver quiche with blanched pork medallions garnished with live quail doesn't make her any less knowlegable than Giovanni Macaroni who basically makes basically nice, nice basically.  I expect the same consideration from my colleagues that I give to my colleagues of professional food cookering.  I'm actually starting my own reality show.  It's called Basically EVOO, where every dish is basically nice EVOO.  Because I know what people are willing to sit through in the name of relaxation.  People are still wasting time on Lost and Heroes right?  If anybody knows Galileo Guantanamo, please tell her to stop saying basically and nice entirely.  And if anybody knows 30 Minute Yummo, please tell her to wash her produce as soon as she gets home, it's a huge time saver!  Reckon! 

Everyday Loathing

I was thinking about something as I was watching an episode of Everyday Iltalian with Giacomino Geppetto, the hostess.  She was talking, and I've blogged about this before, and every 10th word of her mouths was either "nice" or "basically" and it was usually in some form of succession or another.  For instance, "Basically, this is going to add a nice creamy flavor" as she adds, guess what, cream to some little italian pastries which she also described as nice and light.  How about this-"This is going to add a nice salty flavor to the panini" as she sprinkles, right again, salt, into the panini which also housed a cantelope wedge, which she described as a nice cantelope flavor.  She is so innoucous, I can't tell if I loathe her or if she puts me to sleep.  But, oh wait, yes I do know, it's loathing.  The way I loathe myself.  In other news, I was watching Rachel Ray add EVOO to something that was so non-nutritive, I'm surprised the SEC hasn't revoked her TV Cheffing license.  "The first thing I'm going to do is add some EVOO.  Just heat that up and Yummo!  You have your first part of this meal!"  The second part involved roe syrup on deep fried Slimjims wrapped in potato skin pancakes.  YUMMO!  I hope you find that as you continue reading my weblog or weblog for short, you will find that my weblog or weblog for short seems to be more coherent.