Opinions are like cooking

Everybody's got one.  I started watching some anime last night.  I mean, two nights ago.  That was an important detail.  Two nights ago, not last night.  Cowboy Bebop if you really want to know.  I appreciate that anime's humorous take on cooking and immortality.  Oh wait, that was Tuck Everlasting I forgot.  This anime is about search and rescue in the pacific alps.  It's also pretty good.  But nobody should care what I think about a specific anime.  This is just a blog, it's not like some authoritative whatever about anime.  I don't have any facts to back up my thoughts.  It's just my opinion.  And we all have one of those.  Except that one dude with no opinion.  What's his name again?  Something like...Perkins, Percins, Persimmons, Harry, that's right.  Harry.  Harry Potter doesn't have an opinion.  He does breathe loudly though.  One day he will be the most powerful jedi, I mean, gelfling, in the entire world.

Recipe review: Starcraft 2: Broodlings Gone Wild

Well everyone, and I mean everyone, your favorite game is out this week, Starcraft 2 or as it's known down under, Starkraft 2.  It's a gem of a game.  It's got gems in the box, which is why at wallmarts they security wrap it.  Why else would they do this unless there were gems in the box.  I was talking with someone about it the other day and I said, I bet they're going to make some money on this game.  They said back to me, Who, walmart?  I said, no you buffoon, Blizzard, the people who made this game.  They said "What game?"  Then I realized that I was standing in the sporting goods section talking to someone I didn't know.  Sorry Mr. Old Man, but I like your hat! I said.  That's what I said as I quickly exited the guns and ammo aisle.  But the good part was that I made a friend.  I've been listening to some Clarkson lately.  Not that stupid American Idol loser Carey Clarkson either, Kelly Clarkson the talented singer and songwriter.  In science news though, have you heard about this, because of lack of quality programming and other options like sports and eating, TV is going out of business.  That's right, when they cut shows worth watching like The Cake Makers, The Cake Bakers, Caking, How to Make Cakes  and all those other cake shows, they're going to lose viewership.  People would rather watch people eat than watch people watching people eat.  It's a complex theory of differential equations, but the point is that nobody likes TV because it sucks.  First TV, next the internet will go out of business and then everything will be easier.

Stumbleupon

It's me Stumbleupon

The Quandry with Quipplers

The title of this email refers to a little known episode of The Electric Company where the Bloodhound gang has to search for a missing Quippler.  The problem though is that the Quippler does not want to be found.  Thus, the quandry.  But seriously, I remember watching an episode of the Bloodhound Gang where there is a missing stamp and someone gets murdered and there are space aliens.  It was intensely educational.  Speaking of Quipplers, I started a new blog which is here:  thequandrywithquipplers.blogspot.com.  Oh wait, let me do a block text of it, to make it seem more important:

thequandrywithquipplers.blogspot.com

There we go.  That looks so much better.  Just like the rest of my professional blogging associates' work.  By now you've figured out that the above link is bogus.  Hahaha, the joke's on you because clicked it.  As if the world needs one more hot air blogger writing about nothing except hot air balloons.

Socialitism vs. Cheetos

It's not easy bein' freezy.  I only say this because I had a dollar store Otter Pop clone the other day.  Were I able to recall the complete line of Otter Pop cast members, I could tell you who it most resembled, but the only few I can remember are Jolly Green Giant, the pea flavored frozen confection and Mr. Peanut, the peanut flavored variety.  All others are now lost to me, hidden deep in the nether realms of my own brain, doing who knows what back there.  Along with lyrics of Eddie Murphy songs, dialogue from the Transformers Animated Movie, the only transmorphers movie worth seeing, Go-bots episodes, Lego instructions for Robin Hood's forest hideout, the unfun NES game Karnov, the script for the Sven's Teens pilot on HBO, homework assignments from the english class I dropped in college, the Legend of Zelda rap from the first issue of Nintendo Power than I ever read, T'Pau and every Pantone collection in alphanumerical order.  In late night talk news, the dude on the cover of this health newsletter looks like Matthew Maconnahay who coincidentally looks like a flipping hoser.  And you can see by the number of movies he's been in that hollywood has finally given up trying to make him a star.  Some people got it, most people don't.  Most people also don't get that nobody likes a one upper.  If someone is telling a story that they are obviously excited about, they don't want the person who is listening to all of a sudden pipe up about something they think is really cool or related or better or whatever.  Just shut up and wait for the other person to finish you stupid idiot.  Please develop some social awareness before you attempt another segment of human to human interaction.

What is this feeling takin' over?

What happened to Miss Issippi?  Miss Keep Your Distance.  It's true, I'm a fan of Justin Guano from the first season of...American Idol with your host, judge, sponsor and executioner Ryan Seacrest.  But I'll miss you most of all scarecrow.  That reminds me, I saw a movie poster at the movies and it had something to do with a common table condiment, I think it was Salt perhaps.  And the tagline was "What is Salt?"  It was just stupid because everyone knows what Salt is, it's a food additive.  One moment please.  My liveblogging friend Marcus Patterwhipe has just informed me that the tagline isn't "What..." but rather "Who", and that does change things now doesn't it.  But who doesn't like change.  I like change.  You like change too or you wouldn't be here at this moment at my blog looking at my words getting your up to date accurate news and weather reports and movie and tv and board game reviews.  If you didn't like change, you'd be at one of the other blog news sites like newegg or blogs.cnet.news.com or something more conventional.  But you wanted something more.  Something more better than what they offer.  And that's good.  Change is good, like when the  ABC network got bought out by Fox and Fox dumped the whole ABC lineup.  And then Fox went out of business entirely and was replaced by the Veronica Mars Network.

This blog will cease to exist

That's right.  This blog will cease to exist at some point in the future.  But today is not that day.  Men of the West!  But I have decided, after years of blogging, even before it was cool and then uncool, even before it was free, I've decided to terminate operations of thegreenbottle and sell my coveted domain to O'Douls Brewing Company, Provo Utah.  Of course with the pending sale of my domain, I have to find another one.  So my plan is to sell my domain and then before the sale is final, re-register my blogspot domain and then get the money and keep the domain.  I watched Food Warriors this weekend.  It was pretty cool, Guy Fireheady landed a double spatula sweep on the weird Andrew dude from Bizarre Foods with the weird Andrew dude.    I want something else to get me through this semi-food kind of life.

Blodging

I was eating Lo Mein in the beforetime, a time shrouded in mist and misteries and miniseries.  But at least the noodles were a fine treat for all my hard work.  But seriously, blogging isn't work.  It's too much fun to be called work.  It should be called...lets see...something that captures the activity in a cute non-threatening way...how about blog-ging.  There we go.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Boredom

With the coming movie entitled Harry Potter and the Missing References, the book series comes to a dramatic, borrowed ending, which matches the rest of the dramatic borrowed series.  JK Rowling is a complete jackass.  I'm so glad that in the future where I come from, the books have largely been sold on ebay for haypennies on the dollar.  We in the future understand that books are books and that because something is in a book does not make it a real thing.  This is probably going to come as a shock to a few people, but there actually isn't a real JK Rowling.  She's just a character in a book.  She's the pretentious spoiled brat who claims that she's never been influenced by any other pieces of literature yet the book series she claims to have written is chock full of character archetypes, plot arcs and ideas that have come from other books, movies, videogames and furniture, not to mention mythology, album covers, bowhunting skills, apple computer and the internet.  Regardless if this JK Rowling is a real person, thank goodness that modern authors equate worldwide sales to quality and that JK Rowling sees herself as talented as Charles Dickens.  When Rowling dies and she goes to the same place that Harry Potter goes to when he fake dies, I hope she meets Dumbledore there because he'll say "You've pissed off a lot of good authors here by stealing their work.  Oh, and you're going to be devoured by demon crocodiles for a thousand years."  Then he's say "Ta Tau."

He's not what you call a glamorous man

He's the one the call Dr. Philgood, he's gonna make you feel awright.  It's true, Dr. Phil will make you "phil" alright.  Back in the motherland, we're all getting anxious for his title bout with Rachel Ray.  It's been called Millenium Dream Match Never Ends!  And it does never end.  Just like blogging, it never ends.  I was thinking that I should start another 2 blogs.  Why?  Well, no reason really.  Why would you need more than 1 blog?  Do you have more than one brain?  Or perhaps more than one personality?  I guess if the preceeding criteria applies to you, then perhaps you need more than one blog.  But for myself, being of one brain and one personality, I only need one blog.  But don't call this a blog, it's not a blog.  It's more of a one-sided forum for us all to discuss the issues.  Except I'm the only one talking and comments are disabled.  Ok, they aren't.  But they should be.

A Saved by the Bell Tale

I was out with my peregrine falcon "Twitterbug" hunting rabbits and she turned to me and said "Screech!" so we had a little conversation about Screech from my all time favorite middle school through college dramedy Saved by the Bell, which is partially ironic because there are no bells in college.  And most bells, even when it was in it's prime during the early 2000s, were actually just tones played through the speakers.  But that's not what made the show magical.  It was the magician who owned The Max, the popular hangout for the Bayside Flamingo kids.  Good ol' The Max.  What a cool local hangout place that must be, were it an actual place in the physical world.  That's what I love about Qdo--I mean, that's what I love about Saved by the Bell, it was an escape from real life, even though it tried to be real life.  Because no popular kid like Zach Morris is going to continually hang out with a loser like Screech for all four years of high school especially when Screech wrecks everything, regularly.  My favorite part in the entire series is when Zach Morris looks into the eyes of Leah Remini, future star of King of Queens, and says "We'll always have Maui" and then he gets on the plane back to bayside.  But what's even more moving than this saga is the fact that the movie "A Knights Tale" was so bad, Sony Records had to invent a movie critic to say good things about the movie.

Kitchen Fabulizing

I haven't heard much abour Rachel Ray's new show called The Kitchen Fabulous, but I'm sure it's going to awesome.  What I guess the premise is, it's sort of a like reality show with a kitchen twist, the contestants don't know they are on a reality show, they think they are just on a show with Rachel Ray, but they don't know they are being filmed, they think they are just in her kitchen because she pretends to be their friends, so they don't know it's on TV.  They'll be filmed doing everything like tasting the food and talking about the food and about how much they like Rachel Ray for inviting them over.  Then, at the end, the cameras come out and surprise!  You're on TV!  Of course nobody knows much about her new show so perhaps it's completely different.  Maybe it's just about new kitchen gadgets or something. 

The origins of blogging

The trend I started was not originally called "blogging."  This is a reletively new development.  I originally and still do call it "writing down my opinions about unimportant things and inviting strangers to read what I wrote."  This thing called blogging is so stupid.  Hey everyone, read what I wrote about my breakfast.  Or hey everyone I'm going to have celery for lunch isn't that groovy?

I'm Ted Bell

I'm not a narcisist.  I am however, Ted Bell.

I want your lahve

What would the world be like if all the computer geniuses that graduate from places like Stanford, Berkley and University of Phoenix,  instead of jumping in and creating crappy games on Facebook and inventing twitter and other sundry ways of completely wasting time and talent, what if those people were tasked with actually doing things that move humankind forward?  Here's another idea--get rid of all hollywood-related news sites and tv shows and start treating those self-congratulatory, each others' butt-kissing, backslapping self-important jackoffs like regular people.  Since you know, they are just that.  But what is awesome is if you ever meet a fake celebrity, pretend like you don't know who they are and they'll get super pissed.  I haven't been able to do that, but it's on the howard stern show all the time, to whom I also never listen.  The only thing worse than all celebrities are celebrity reporters.  Especially the bonehead girl from Dancing with the Stars and actually, everyone on a celebrity gossip show.  Even shows giving them bad attention like TMZ still gives those idiots attention which is what they crave which is what must be denied them so they will shrivel up and deflate and hopefully move away to the Yukon never to be heard from again unless they are in a movie or a tv show or something, but after that, no interviews, no press events, no standing around getting your picture taken.  I'm talking to you Taylor Twit.  Please double your facial expressions by picking one more up on the way out.  The grammys is a lot like The Emperor's New Clothes.  The only people who think it's even worth watching are the same people who think that Pink's performance with the spinning curtains was SO BEAUTIFUL or that Lady Gaga is SO SHOCKING.  The rest think the same about  people watching the grammys as the people in the grammys.  It's all just silliness.  If you need an award to validate your accomplishment, you're a pitiful human and you aren't worth the gold spray paint on your trophy.  Of course all those gasbags will say Hey I didn't ask for this award!  So I say to you, gasbag, why don't you prove it, don't show up next time, decline the award.  None of them will because how else are they going to be able to look at their prematurely aged faces in the mirror each morning when they wake up to another day without a single reason to continue existing?  You fakes.  You pathetic miserable fakes.  Nobody cares about you.  Why else do you go to these ridiculous award shows?  So you can bask in all the fakeness of the rest of your pathetic friends who have all the same problems as you.  Empty lives and empty souls.  Useless humans.  You're nothing special.  You're nothing.  Remember that as you sit in your bathroom alone bleeding out at the wrists.  Nobody is going to miss you because nobody cares.

I don't facebook

Like I just mentioned, I'm not on facebook.  In fact I think it's so utterly and completely lame that the only thing that approaches the lamnicity of facebook is yahoo news and fandango.  All of those social networking websites or "webites" for short, are the same.  Oh wait, I just got an email from facebook, lets see what it says.  Ah, someone I used to know from 100 years ago is looking for milk at the corner market.  I'm so glad I know that.  Now I know, with a surety of knowledge, that the person I knew from the beforetime is looking for milk.  I can now be at peace for I know that the universe is at peace.  Well, that was just a facsimile of the real thing.  But that is the kind of thing facebook and twitface are good for.  Blogs on the other hand are also good for nothing.  Actually, it's quite funny, people can no longer sit still long enough to read through a blog entry so we've shortened communication down to a mere sentence.  I wonder if people can sit still long enough to read through a twit?  I wonder if you're even still reading this extremely long blog entry.

What I saw at the super 8

I was staying at a super 8 motel this one time, I think it was in, lets see, I think it was in nashville or perhaps pittsburgh and I was staying there.  Anyway, what I saw was, I saw, lets see, I saw a thing, let me think, it was thing with, yes, with some things on it.  Anyway, that's what I saw.  Look, I like JJ Abrams as much as the next dork, but seriously, life is already viral enough, please spend more time and money making movies and not viral ads related to those movies.  Or just stop making movies altogether because, out of the two movies that I seen of yours, only two of them were any good.  Those are of course, The Goonies and Greyskull:The legend of Conan.  I drank a V8 and at the bottom of it said "Look to the Super 8."  Is that some kind of clue or something?  I mean, super 8s are really popular right now partly because of the motels and also because it's travel season right now.  The point is that movies are so desperate to win back some of their videogame revenues, they are going to do anything, even if that means killing large sections of the population that like videogames to bring the overall ratio of videogame people to movie people down.  Because we know that they cannot make a movie good enough to win back their lost audience.  Look at last year's movies.  The top grossing movie of last year was Will and Grace Fight Club which was pretty awesome by the way, but it only brought in 17 dollars even though it opened across almost 19,000 screens nationwide.  So the point is that movies still suck even if you try to hide that by making some ridiculous viral buzz on youtube about it.  The only viral thing that matters is the fat kid falling off the diving board.  Nothing else matters except that fat kid.

Leveraging Synergies

What do you get when you take the two most meaningless words of the last 20 years and combine them in a single sentence?  Simple, you get business talk.  Or,  you get the ability to leverage synergies.  Which by the way, means what exactly?  Leverage means looney and synergies means sins so you can draw your own conclusion.

It was acceptable in the 80s

There's only one place in the known universe where you can see pictures of yourself doing things which up until a few years ago, would have seemed like a waste of film.  The problem however, is that the pictures have not suddenly gotten better.  The only thing that has changed is our entertainment filter, brought about by the distinctly human ability to dumb ourselves down until we are entertained or perhaps intrigued by nearly everything we put in front of ourselves.  Take facebook for example.  I was facecruising the other night and I found candid shots of someone standing next to a truck, a large truck, not a monster truck, but a large truck with large tires.  And so there were pictures of whomever standing in the picture, but then the person turned around and there were shots of the back of the person's head.  And then the person started to go behind the tires and they disappeared from view entirely.  My question is thus.  And as usual, I'll answer my own rhetoric.  The picture with the person is fine.  Nothing wrong with standing next to a large tire.  And the picture without the person is also fine.  Nothing wrong a picture of a large cool looking tire.  But however, why in the halifax do we need to see the 6 pictures in between those two pictures?  The back of the head and the subsequent leaving the picture frame area.  Why do we waste electrons on all that refuse?  It makes even less sense than Lady Gaga's current popularity.  Unless we are returning to the 80's, then it makes perfect sense.

Wind it all around

You've come here for years to read the latest news and reviews of things like movies, comic books and yogurt commercials.  Which, while I'm on the topic, can we please ban all yoplait commercials, but most of all the beyond non-funny ones with the dude who wishes he was his own wife?  That guy needs to get punched in the face with his own fist.  Please, guy, be a freaking guy and set a good example for the rest of us guys that enjoy yogurt.  The other problem with commercials is that there are even commercials.  I know what you're thinking right now though, you're thinking, "Hey blogger dude with strong opinions about everything, if there were no commercials, what would you blog about?  Huh?  HUH?"  Well, random internet guy who is reading about my reading of your thoughts, you'd be right.  And nothing would make me more happy.  It's a closely guarded secret, but the truth is that I do not enjoy blogging.  I loathe it.  In fact I loathe it so much I can't even fin

Opposites Akrunk

I was thinking about that song that Paula Abdul sings to that animated cat how they're such an item and stuff and he steals her covers while they sleep together, a human and an animated cat.  And I was thinking, "that's kind of weird you know."  And it is.  People aren't meant to be with doodles, I mean, animated cats.  It's the first law of cool world, I mean, our world.  Then I started thinking about other songs that talk about how people who shouldn't be together are still together and of course I thought about Good For Me, by singing sensation Amy Grant Gill and also of course, Still The One, by the irrepresible trash-country singer Shania Twain, who is single handedly responsible for making country trashy like christian music.  But of course how I can use the word irrepresible without mentioning the irresponsible Professor Xavier of the Xavier's School for Freak Children.  I mention him because I'm reading through a book that I already mentioned called House of M and the M in House of M does not stand for Xavier like I thought it would.  It actually stands for...no...I can't tell you.  Then you'd know everything.

For making me believe that you could be faith hill to me lets hear your speech now

I don't know know what my last entry was about, but it was something about how pathetic everyone in TV and film are.  Hahahha stupid losers.  I'm sure it's important to them what they're wearing to a party, but to me, someone with real problems and real piranhas, they just look silly.  If I could have one wish...actually that reminds me of something that is so stupid.  Faith hill has this song from years ago called something or other, but the lyrics start off like this:  If I could grant you one wish/I wish you could see the way you kiss/blah blah blah.  I know it's beyond Faith Hill's abiilty to write a good song so she turned to her crack team of ace writers to come up with this paradox.  She says she wants to grant a wish, then in the very next phrase she says she wants to wish.  So who's granting and who's wishing?  I would rewrite this pathetic song, but it's waste of my wishgranting abilities.  Or maybe she's talking to herself while she's making out with herself.  If she's making out with herself and talking to herself, then it all makes grammtical sense.  She wishes she could see herself kissing herself.  And who wouldn't wish for that?  Alright faith hill, you've made a...believer...out of me.  In other news, the 5th age of blogging hasn't started yet because there's nothing else interesting related to faith hill to write about.  But I guess I could blog about my next great culture experiment.  It's called The Green Bottle's Food Revolution.  We're going to look at homemade food by proud little grandmas and then criticize it until they don't want to cook anymore.  We've already shot 13 episodes.  Very entertaining.  But it's over now.  Go on and take a bow.   

Changing times, changing pretzels

I was trying to catch up onthe last 7 years of Marvel Comics by reading some of the major transformative trades that affect the general marvel universe such as House of M, Civil War, Annihilation etc.  And maybe it's because I'm grown up to full adulthood, but most of what I read just seemed really silly.  Not to mention they changed the way almost everyone looks and I can't stand crap like that.  Drax the Destroyer is not a little dude, he's a huge Hulk of a Beast.  Thanos of Titan is purple.  Not like almost a purple hue, but purple.  Anyway, stuff changes I guess.  People change.  Lives change.  Times change.  But one thing that does not change is my loathing for all things social networking.  And that includes farmville and mafia wars.  Also what does not change is the love between a man a freshly made pretzeldog.  And that will never change.

Frequentness

I can see the frequentiality of my postings my throw some people for a faceloopbook.  But just understand this simple fact of life:  blogging for me is a weapon against blogging for everyone else.  It reminds me of the time I was combatting aliens on a distant planet.  I was wearing my powered armor and the bugs were attacking us at Whiskey Outpost.  We were given the order to open fire, but they started feeding on the rays.  So we left the planet and went back to earth content knowing that they have not yet acquired the ability to travel through interstellar space. 

Rachel Ray's Roughnecks

I was watching the battle of Whiskey Outpost of the first Starship Troopers movie, and although such exacting book to movie translations are usually off-putting, I enjoyed the combat sequences.  I remember a close up of an arachnid that gets blasted by some of the Mobile Infantry and I was reminded of a dish cooked up by Rachel Robot Ray called The Spider Feast.  It was live spiders, boiled in spider juice and served on spider crackers.  From what I remember it was a fine looking dish.

Since U been Clarkson

I was rocking out to Kelli Clarkson and belting out Since U been gone.  I love that song so much.  That song makes cheese melt in the fridge.  But only velveeta, not real cheese.  But here's the thing, we started off as friends.  I wish Clarkson all the best as she embarqs on her new cruise as top judge on american idol.

The shoes on the other feet

Ok look, we kind of got off on the wrong foot yesterday with the whole "I think you're a worthless waste of space" kind of comments.  Let me just say this and hopefully smooth this all over.  You're not a waste of space.  You're a waste of organic matter.  Because every time you're in the news, you cause however many more idiots like you to start thinking about whatever inane thing you've done recently.  And any thinking about you of any kind is a waste.  I'm glad that's out of the way.  So just to reiterate, if you're in the news on E more than twice a month, you're a waste of organic matter and a waste of the electrons drifting around in my brain.

Darby O' Flay

Just in case you missed the last episode, here's what you missed in the last episode in case you missed the last episode.  We were talking about health care reform and how that relates to 30 Minute Meals.  Basically the conclusion was that if Rachel Ray was running the government, it would be in only slightly worse shape than it is now.  Speaking of 30 minute reforms, I was watching Bobby Fool make a fool of himself on Late Night with David O' Leno.  He was cooking some kind of debauchery.  The point in all this is that they was all yellow. 

I decided to start a new paragraph.  In this paragraph we will discuss how much Lost, Lost!, 30 minute melodramas,

It takes a village

I've decided to start a new blog.  It's called thisonetimeIgotoutoftheshowerandtherewerenotowelshangingupsoicalledtomypetpigandshebroughtmeatowel.blogspot.com.  Anyway, the point is that you can make a blog out of anything you want.  Did you go to Europe one afternoon?  Blog about it.  Did you eat a Junior Mint?  Blog about it.  Did you mix rich chocolate Ovaltine with Strawberry Quik?  Blog about it.  Did you agree with something someone said?  Blog about it.  In fact, twit about it as well and facespace about it because we're all dying, just dying, to know what's on your mind.  It takes a village. 

Anvil of Crom

I have never prayed to you before, I have no tongue for it.  What matters is that one blogger stands against every blogger.  And if you do not listen, then to hell with you.  It's true that Crom is the patron saint of bloggers and that battle pleases him.  Which is why I contacted Gregor Unteed to clash in battle with Rachel Rummo on her hit show 30 minute mannequins.  Gregor leapt into the spotlight at last year's hit show Food and Battle where he defeated the eccentric millionaire Morimoto in mortal konbat using only the kitchen weapon of the day, which happened to be a garlic press.  It took several hours, but Gregor had finally defeated the undefeatable foe.  Rachel was in the audience that day though studying his moves, learning his technique.  When they clashed on 30 minute mannequins, the force of their attacks was so great that it knocked the cameras off their perches.  Rachel was quick though, she had a full complement of spatulas which she flung with near-deadly accuracy.  Gregor countered by blocking the spatulas with a serving tray and then thowing several meat tenderizers.  Rachel caught one in the shoulder as she rushed towards him brandishing a turkey baster.  She was too fast for Gregor and she landed several hard hits.  One sent gregor flying through the air hard enough to break the cupboards in the kitchen.  He quickly regained his composure and pulled from his waist pouches two vegetable steamers which he quickly expanded into disc mode.  Rachel had jumped into the air and screamed "Flight of the Golden Wasps!" and unleashed a barrage of BBQ forks.  Gregor had barely enough time to raise his vegetable steamers before the forks shot towards him.  A fork struck his leg just below his kneecap.  He screamed in agony and flung one of the vegetable steamers through the air which sliced into rachel's right shoulder and lodged into the wall behind her.  The two wounded combatants continued their assault.  Rachel pulled a marble rolling pin and began attacking gregor.  She smashed through the island which separated the warriors.  Gregor who still had one vegetable steamer blocked one attack but it shattered the steamer and broke his hand.  He quicked grabbed a handful of skewers which he loaded into a cookie press to create a makeshift blowgun.  He sent wave after wave of pointed skewers at rachel who took numerous hits.  Gregor loaded up another round of skewers and used them to pin rachel's wounded arm to the wall.  He leapt toward the trapped fighter wielding dual ladels.  Just before he could land the finishing blow, Rachel severed her own arm with a  bar strainer.  Gregor's attack went through the wall but rachel had jumped out of the way.  She went for the final strike with some salad tongs, but gregor had one more trick up his sleeve.  With his last baker's dozen of strength, he grabbed a cooling rack and flung it like a frisbee.  She never saw it coming.  And like that it was over. 

It takes a bloggage

It takes a village.  I truly believe that.  It takes a village.  I just truly believe that.  In other news I read a statistic that stated that 98% of blogging was done only for the enjoyment of the blogger, a word which means "person who blogs."  So if this statistic is true, which it is, because I truly believe that it is, we can theorize that blogging is done for the enjoyment of the blogger.  This would seem to fly in the face of conventional wisdom that states that blogging is done because people like star trek.  I watched the new star treck the other day.  I have a few questions.  Firstly, would someone please cut JJ Abrams hair and secondly for someone so fixated on if something is cool or not, your hair is remarkably uncool.  It takes a village.  So my question so far about JJ's hairpiece is only this:  please get a haircut, or at the very least change stylists from the stylist of the New Kids on the Block to someone slightly less consevative.  Maybe use the stylist of LFO and then you can sing about girls and summer and girls of summer.  Anyway, we're still talking to JJ Abrams about his hair.  He had this to say about his hair:  My hair is me and I am it.  My hair is where I like to be and it looks like all my dreams.

Schiz Gordon

Being a unadmitted schizo has it's priveledges.  But since I'm not a schizo I don't even know what you're talking about.  I'm currently doing some production work for my new record label called Punkd Rock Records.  If you have any music you want worked on, let me know in the comments section of this blog as that is the most official way to contact someone that you want to work with on an album.  But seriously, I'm not schizo, I just have lots of people talking in my brain that may or may not be under my control.  That reminds me of this one joke I heard:  Knock Knock--Who's there?  Me.  Me who?  Me you.  Hahahahahaha.  See, if you're the only person talking, that joke is super funny.  Lets see, in anime news, there is no news.  In web design news, the web is boring now.  Have you noticed all tech news sites look basically the same?  And all search engines just pull from google so the results are all the same.  Except www.cuil.com.  That is the best magazine style results page search engine ever created.  For instance, if you search for Flash Gordon, you will get results like "Flash Games" and Flash Actionscripting.  But nowhere does it mention the greatest movie soundtrack of all time.  I'm talking about Flash Gordon's soundtrack in case you didn't pick up the transition.  Remember that in the savage future of intergalactic space, if you are confronted by armed guards, line up like you're playing football and instead of shooting you, they'll attempt to play football with you and you can easily overpower them.  That is the lesson from the savage future.  Gordon out.

A word to the witless

Facebook should be called Wastebook because of all the government spending.  I watched The Terminator last night and I couldn't help picturing Arnold as the Terminator of California.  That movie was so good.  You're terminated.  The girl from that bizarre beauty and the beast played the part well, and also the beast from that movie was also good as The Terminator Beast.  The Beauty and the Beast show was weird.  I remember watching the pilot air on DVD for the first time on TV and I thought it was a weird show.  I still remember the names of the two characters though, Beauty and Beast.  That's how much I love that show.  Another show I watched last night, which was after my own heart, was The Worst Movies of the Year with the At The Movies blokes.  It was good.  I love watching movies get panned because the truth is, they all suck in some degree or another.  Transformers 2 was lame.  The first one was lame as well.  Or should I say "Bring the Lame."  So stupid.  The Ugly Truth is lame.  That movie with those 2 well known dudes and the one who isn't well known but wants to be, who at the end of the commercial is singing to a man dressed in a giant panda suit.  Is that not lame?  Yes, it's lame.  But in the words of Maximus "Are you not entertained?"  They're making these crap movies for someone out there in americatown.  Also in the words of Maximus "Senator Gracchus will be reinstated."  I also watched Beveryday Bland with your hostess Jimminy Cricketto who was basically nice basically like before and basically her entire life.  Just remember that if you're cool enough to be filmed drinking pomagranattinis at a handcrafted glitzy bar set, you're basically nice.

Dualilitism

The dual nature of computers is difficult for most people to understand.  And by most I mean everyone.  On one hand you have their ability to crunch numbers and walnuts, on the other hand you have their ability to play multiplayer online games like World of Crapcraft.  And finally on the third hand if you are a Pluton, you have their ability to play offline games like solitaire and freecell.  So which do you choose?  The choice is obvious.  None of them.  You have to pick the hidden hand that you didn't even see.  And that ability is the ability to do whatever you want them to do as long as it doesn't violate the laws of physics.  The only reason I bring this to your attention is that since I got my first quantum comupter I can record 30 minutes meals and watch the 2010 Freecell Championship at the exact same time except on different computers and different times.

A case of the yummos

I've got a bad case of the yummos.  That means that everytime I'm trying to say a transducitive comment, it just turns into something about yummos.  That reminds me of the that funny episode of Star Trek called The Trouble with Yummos.  I started huluing another episode of 30 Minute Mummos about shopping at the grocery store.  No really, the summary of the episode was something about getting your ingredients from the grocery store.  Which is good, because I've been scraping my ingredients off the road for the past 35  years, so thanks Rachel for your cosmic insight.  I'm going to try and grab some screengrabs of Rummo making the weird faces that she makes and post it on the internet surrounded by a blackbox with a white caption that reads "EVOO"  and then under that:  "If you drink enough of it, you'll be as smart as me!"  That might not be damaging enough though.  How about "My face"  and then under it "Is actually a piece of sculpy".  No that's too funny and not mean enough.  I know "TV Cooking Shows"  followed by "Now anyone can be a chef!"  I don't know, I'm not tapping into my depthless loathing of her show and her "talent".  I'll get there someway, somehow.  Hey Corinne Bailey Ray, thanks.

Sven's Teens

Goodness what is that on your face?  That's what Norman Flont asked Rachel Ray when she was cooking her trademark Yam and Eel Coconut Torte.  Rachel didn't know what was going on though.  Norman was just there as a guest.  I had a subway the other day, and even though it didn't taste like Jared Fogle, it was alright.  My friends the subway gnomes made it and left it in front of my door in the morning.  But next time you stupid gnomes don't make the sandwich 15 hours in advance and leave it outside in the sultry rain.  It was all wilted and sogged.  Lousy stupid gnomes.  And don't put so many yellow peppers in it next time.  I swear if I've told them once I've told them a hundred and seventeen times.  That reminds me, I used to read a magazine called Sven's Teens.  It was about Sven's Teens who had super powers.  One could parallel park any vehicle, one could make popcorn go into his mouth using only his hands, one could sing really good, one could change the channel with any remote that was preconfigured for the specific tv, one could remember things pretty good and that last one, Sven, liked computers.  I remember one of their episodic misadventures, they were babysitting the neighbor's baby, but the baby got out and it turns out it was a genius baby and when the bad guys came to try and steal the baby, they always just ended up hurting themselves.  Sven's Teens were safe at home though.   They were having an argument about which show was better, Balky goes to Jail or Ernest goes to Camp.  In the end they decided to check on the baby, but the baby had built a large protocannon and atomized Sven's Teens into atoms.

What Hits?

Nowadays everybody wanna talk like they got something to say but nothing comes out when they moved their lips it's just a bunch of subway footlongs something something forgot about Dre.  For those who do know aware of such things, Jared Fogle, yes THAT Jared Fogle, has hit the famous music studio "Feed me I'm starving" this past week to record his latest record.  He said his new album is really going "to take the listener places with it's longer tracks and hot baked bread, er, awesome guitar riffs I mean."  We all know that Jared means well, but it's hard for him to function with his condition.  Jared's new album is reportedly titled "Jared:  You sunk my battleship."  It's a new direction for the fogler who found incredible success with his previous album "U Can't Stop da HITZ" and of course his amazing debut album "Da HITZ JUS KEEP ROCKIN'" 

Blogging, the great enemy.

People have stopped me in the streets and come up to me in toy shops and breakfast nooks to ask me a simple question.  They ask "Why do you blog?"  The answer to that is undeniably simple.  I blog because I hate blogging.  It's my ultimate hope that my blogging will eventually lead people to realize that blogs are not a legitimate source of news.  They are opinion editorial pieces.  I would like to see more investigatory journalism.  Anyone can have an opinion.  Most people do.  Few people however will sneak into a chicken factory in the middle of the night to document how KFC employees mismanage the birds.  Wait that's a bad example, I find those videos entirely entertaining.  The point 70% of the population of this planet has internet access and can type up an opinion piece in a matter of minutes.  And we take them at their word.  For instance, did you even question my statistic?  It's pure bogus and you believed it.  It has become 55% easier to invent statistics for use in blogs than it used to be, believe it.  So now that you understand that blogging is not a legitmate source of actual news, what can you do about?  I would challenge you to write your senator and other state representatives and urge them to pass the Dulcimer-Bosen Act which mandates that all blogs will be federally monitored by a government task force.  It will be the task force's job to assign each blog a weekly rating based on the amount of opinion which is being passed off as news.  Eventually, if you get a high enough rating, the blog will be shutdown and all referring links from every page on the internet will be erased and the domain will be absorbed and owned by the federal government and you won't even be able to type the address into the browser as all broswers will be minute by minute updated with a current blacklist of domains that it will not allow to be typed into the address bar, thus erasing any and all evidence that it ever existed.  As you can see the Dulcimer-Bosen Act is exhaustingly comprehensive.  It will ensure that news style blogs will be steadily exterminated, making room for more accurate and authoritative investigatory journalism.  I can understand some trepidation about this new law, but the fact is that on any given day, worldwide, blogging alone consumes 45% of available bandwidth for the entire planet.  That is bandwidth that could otherwise be made to send email faster, update facebook with more status updates, faster twitters and a myriad of other things that are currently bogged down because of the bandwidth hog that is blogging.  If we stand together we can defeat blogging once and for all.  If we stand apart, we will be blown down by winds of blogging.

The CarniWilsonCode

it's hard working in an office where people talk.  In other news people who use Twitter are called Twits.  People who blog are called idiots.  Hahahahaha.  It takes one to know one losers!  Oh wait, that means that I am also one of you people.  People who use Facebook are called Faces and people who use MySpace are called Sexual Predators.  I have approximately 15 blogs entries to publish, but I haven't done it yet, so this will look like I posted everything on a single day, which is my intention since I wrote all of these on a single day as well.  In other news, on Celetwitty Deathface Sarah The 30 Minute Phenom Yummo is going up against Jared Fogle in the first televised "Eat Off."  They have to consume each other and the first person who devours the other person wins.  The last time there was a televised "Eat Off", Carni Wilson had to devour Ricki Lake.  They both lost.  There are some lyrics of a certain song and they go like this "I'm pushing an elephant up the stairs, I'm tossing out punch lines that were never there."  Have you ever stopping to thoughts about what that meanned?  I think it has something to do with Carni Wilson and the CarniCode.

Progging

It's no secret that my goal is to become a pro blogger, which is actually going to happen right...almost...almost...one sec...annnnnd...I'm a pro blogger now.  Because that's about all it really takes.  Some other things I'm also a pro at:  spray bottle spraying, daydreaming, abstract theorizing on abstract theories and I also like Disney movies, but at the pro level.  Now I just need all that sweet moola to start pouring in my inbox.  You pro bloggers, why so serious?  We were all waiting for your opinion all these years and now, thanks to the miracle of people with nothing better to do, we can browse your brilliant opinions at length and according to our own leisure.  Oh wait, I forgot this was the entry where I talk about politics because I know so much about it.  So President M. Jackson cristened his new ship the, well I can't say the name.  Oh wait, you dead MJ!

Economic Monkery

The cost of business is high these days, especially with the economic monkery that we're all embroidered into.  But that kind of capital won't stop Fox from releasing another Simpsons knockoff.  Speaking of the simkins, I watched the movie along time ago and I felt foolish because it was all stuff that I felt like I'd seen already.  The point is that you shouldn't watch movies you've already seen.  In other news, it's now been a week and I have watched many movies that I've already seen.  Duck Tales, Design Star 2112, Think Tank Apocalypse, Starbeat Vampire, and all those shows, I mean, movies are really good.  But the best thing available right now is Harry Potter and the Everybard Beedle Flavors.

It aint water if it ain't wet

I just got back the magical city of Gummadoon and boy are my gummi arms tired.  It's hard to keep your arms flapping when you're made of chewy gooey gummi bear substance.  High adventure that's beyond compare.  But seriously, I was in Gummadoon.  I bet I felt how Bill and Ted felt when they went into the Matrix.  I also felt that way when I first saw The Bangles On Ice.  It was a great show.  Wake up kids we got the dreamer's disease.  Even if you don't have the music in you, Rachel Ray, you can still be a professional idiot.

Suessian starcasting

Everthing's happy underground.  The other day I was making fun of something and I said "Hey this piano solo reminds me that time Rachel Rayman was making mustard spinach soup with quail eggs."  And you know what?  It really did.  The point in all of this kitncaboodle is that you can't expect something to happen that cannot happen.  A great man once said "No matter how the wind howls, the mountain cannot bow to it."  And that is my groove, the rhythym in which I live my life, my pattern of behavior.  And just because I skip out on my choir performance to collect odds and ends doesn't mean that I'm some kind of noble ill-tempered beast.  I can still metaphorically rescue the little girl from her terrible aunt who is after a huge diamond.  Metaphorically of course.  It doesn't take a dalmation to tell me what I should do.  I can still return to the lands of my forefathers and take back my pride and my rock from the enemy who has betrayed my kin to a pack of hyenas.  And even though I was made fun of for my huge ears and pink psychadelic visions, I can paint with all the colors of the wind with the best of them.  No fox in human clothing is going to steal my riches and give them to the other poor animals in human clothing, so just put that pea shooter down.  Esmerelda is a tramp. 

We're ready to disease you

Hotdogs and frogdogs are my new favorite foods.  Frogdogs are like hotdogs except you stuff the hotdog skin with live frogs and watch it hop around.  You're free to eat it if you want.  Whose cuisine rains supreme?  Mine does of course, the eccentric quadrillionaire and founder of kitchen stadium.  Please let me enjoy my pepper in peace.  Red the blood of angry food, black the dark of ages past.  In other news I scored the part of the angry witch in Les Miserable, which being translated means "This play will make you miserable".  I've been in too many plays to now just turn a blind eye when I hear something that is out of tune in a play or out of sync with the rythym of the play or even out of character with set design.  I have to intervene.  I have to macrograde.  I cannot just "peel the orange" like before.  I must refill the pen with more than just catgut.  I do all this, all of this, in an effort to make the play "become the last leaf on the pine tree" and rise to tethered windows on the back of a giant otterpop.  With my help and inspiration, any play can become a better play, or more accurately, a better ragtime quiz festival of wheels and motion.

A long yummo

A long december and theirs reason to believe maybe this year will be yummo than the last.  But this year isn't better than the last.  It's worse.  There's more yummo this year than the last year which makes it worse.  Anything with yummo for brains girl makes it worse.  I have to buy a new car.  Which is a pain in the yummo.  Don't believe me, ask the dishes.  I'm going to write a review of The Vampie Diaries.  Here it is.  The Vampire Diaries is a waste of your life.  If you watch it, you will be stupider than even before you watched it, if that's even possible.  If you want to get smarter, watch Space Ghost Coast to Coast.  I watched Cloverzilla the other day.  I also watched Wipeout on my ps3 and it was way better.  It's fun to watch people get hurt, or at least get humiliated.  The best part is when they try really hard and they fail even harder.  It's just easier and more entertaining to watch people fail than succeed.  Which is why after the audition segments of most talent shows they cease to be entertaining anymore.  And also NBC cancelled Life, which made me cancel my own life.

The Dork Tower

I've been reading those things from that website.  You know, where you want to know what happens in a book, but you lack the ability to read.  I was reading on encyclopiki.org the summaries from the books.  Because I was looking at a poster from the Movie called Salem's Lot.  Which is a really cool movie poster I also read. The summaries from.  Salems Lot  Stephanie King is kind of weirdo anybody that regularly writes.  About children getting abducted or mauled or turned into vampires is. Weird the movie Twilighting is stupid too Moonlighting with Willis and Shepard is not stupid. 

Stream of Yummo

For some reason I started watching Rachel Yummo the Dummo cook something with some winner of some cooking contest.  Rachel is such a moron I can't even begin to descibe with the same kind of journalistic excellence that I'm used to displaying of what she was talking about I can't ever know how stupid she is with the whisk stirring the chiken in the pot but who could ever really know, you know?  That was a pretty long transducitive stream of consciouness.

Yummofield

Someone once asked me "Boy, I say boy, why are you so bitter about everything?"  Well, I told that giant talking chicken the same thing I'm about to tell you.  In other news, I've been listening to lots of Rachel Ray's new album called "Rachel Yummo and the EVOO's - Anyone can be a chef" because if Rachel Yummo proves anything, beside that people will eat anything they see on TV, she proves that anyone can become a chef.  I see that as a bad thing.  Not everybody should be chef, just like not everybody should be a doctor or a geologist or a security guard or a tv personality judge.  Not everybody should try to do everything.  You don't see me going out and getting my mall kiosk license do you?  That's because I'm not capable of standing in the middle of mall with a kiosk full of refuse that I'm trying to sell to old people and homeless people.  But I digress.  I was talking about Rachel Rummo's new album.  It is so awesome.  The first track is called Yummo, well, they're all called Yummo actually, but I digress again.  Listening to the first Yummo track is like watching Rachel Ray for the first time all over again.  That feeling you got when you saw her mix duck feathers with yakisoba and banana peels and stuff it into a frozen pita.  YUMMO CAN YOU GET ANYMORE YUMMO THAN THAT???  But I digress.  Why so serious.  The track called Yummo is so yummo.  It's not that I want Rachel EVOO to get devoured by those things that pop out of the cloverfield monster's ears or anything, that'd be convenient sure, but I just don't think she's that great of a food makercooker.  Why so serious. 

A tribute to Whacko

Most people don't know this about me, but I can't stand hearing about Twits.  I mean, tweets.  In fact, I heard about it the other day in a place that I was not used to hearing about such useless and debointlizing subjects.  In other news the Twitsphere is ablaze with news of the Michael Jackson assassination attempt.  He was the subject of an assassination attempt, and well, they succeeded.  But here's to you Jacko:  You're a baby-dangling freak of nature with tendencies that make most people vomit on themselves and skin that allows light to pass through, but you could dance.  And I suppose in the end, the dancing will matter least.

The Futuresphere

I'm not in it to win it anymore.  I find no enjoyment being better than everyone else the way I used to find enjoyment.  Oh check out my new twitbook.  You can read about what I ate for mid-morning snack, when I go to the bathroom, what the person who is looking at me and talking is talking about and so much more.  I call it Twits for Dummies.  Now that twitter is the new way to communicate, I won't need to use my mouth.  And as we as a species begin to stop talking, our mouths will become vestigal.  Mouths will devolve into more of an opening, which is just the right shape for a straw which all of our nurishment will eventually come from.  If any of these frightening visions of the future frighten you, you should be frightened.  I've been to the future.

Space Aliens

Once in a blue moon I will do something nice for someone else.  Good thing those don't happen very often.  But what I'm really trying to say here is that we gonna give it to the world peace luv the gap.  And if you ain't givin it TO the world, you ain't IN the world. 

You gotta know when to roll 'em, know when to cold em'

Know when to turn around, and when to fall down.  'Cause yur gonna miss this.  Yur gonna want this back.  I saw a movie last night called, I can't remember, but it had someone who looks like Clive Owen, which looks like the guy in Pride and Prejudice.  So by the distributive property, if the guy in the movie looks like Clive Owen and so does the guy in Pride and Prejudice, we can deduct that the guy in Pride and Prejudice looks like the guy who looks like Clive Owen.  I was watching Molto Mario last night and it was good.  I mean, it was terrible, but good.  He's better on his own show than he is on Iron Chef American, which is a stupid show anyway.  He was making something italian with EVOO, and he actually said EVOO instead of just saying the whole phrase.  Then he said "I'm just going to call it EVOO from now on because my mentor has asked me to call it that."  I didn't know that Rachel Rimwit could be anyone's mentor due to her abject stupiditizing everything she sees.  She reaches in and grabs right hold of your heart.  She seems to have an invisibile touch-eh.  Speaking of Phil Collins, Brother Bear is a good movie.  It's better than all movies before it except for Sleeping Beauty, Hunchback of Notre Dame, The Little Mermaid, Casablanca and Conan.  I mean the disney versions of those movies. 

A boy and his blog

I'm sure I didn't type that first, but I thought of it first.  Back when I was playing a boy and his blob, I accidentally, or transducitively said, a boy and his blog.  So there you have it, irreparable proof that I'm right.  I still get some emails from Norman Recog.  He's enjoying his new cooking show, Food with Norm.  In my travels around the twit-filled-sphere, and the all the other idiotspheres, I have come across many recipes for macaroni and cheese.  In other news, I watched the armenian idle contest game show and everyone was expecting emo kid to win, even the judges who have been giving him home cooking since day one.  And I quoth Simon from the auditions:  "You are going to win this com-pe-tition.  None of the other singers in this com-pe-tition are as good as you.  You are the winner and the best in this entire com-pe-tition."  Paula said "You are absolutely going to go on and win.  I will enter into a relationship with you, and then fix the scoring because you're the winner already."  Said the black guy "Dog, you win.  You win, dog."  And the girl that nobody knows or cares about said something but nobody was listening.  So, were those judges in for a surprise when they announced this "Emo kid, you sang "I'm a little Emo short and stout" and the judges all agree that it was the best song they've ever heard in this dimension or any other parallel dimension."  "Chris, you sang the judges pick which was the theme for star trek the original series, and the judges said "It was the worst thing they've ever heard and you will not win."  "Americans voted.  Your armenian idol is Chris the guitar kid."  At this point all hell broke loose.  The black guy ran under a falling chandelier and was crushed but right before the chandelier hit him, he inhaled a gallon of CocaCola and died.  Simon put both his eyes out with his CocaCola straw then beat himself to death with his microphone.  A large 7th level Demon appeared behind paula and dragged her back to some hellish hell place because she promised that she would deliver on the emo kid but she failed.  The other girl just sat there because nobody even knew she was there in the first place.  the audience cheered at all this because on stage, Seacrest had hung himself with his necktie tied to his microphone cord tied to someone's guitar lead and as he was hanging himself, he chopped his own head off with the lid to his CocaCola cup.  Meanwhile the two idles are now making a movie called From Adam to Lambert, in which the winner of this round of incredulous idol will be playing emo kid's last name.

Cease and Desist

I did such a good job of discrediting blogging as a form of communication that I convinced myself to stop blogging.  But then I remembered that the greater good is to convince everyone else, so I'm back on my quest.  I also know I've been really down on Rachel Dummo about her stupid show--therefore it came as no surprise that I received a letter from her publicist.  It reads as follows:

 

Dear Sole Propietor of The Green Bottle Blog:

My name is Norman Recog and I am the chief publicist for Rachel Ray and this is an official cease and desist order.  We have received a number of complaints levied against this website regarding the use of her likeness and cooking trade secrets.  Please discontinue divulging Rachel's recipes.  She works really hard to create unique and interesting if not completely palatable meals within 30 Minutes.  And her viewership mostly consists of women who are too lazy or who have chosen to pursue a career instead of care for their families to put any more thought into a meal than 30 minutes.  The other part of her viewership are those who are delusional about cooking and who think they are as good as Rachel.  The truth is though, they probably are better than Rachel, but it's important that she not discover this secret.  Actually, truth be told, on days when she's feeling really "experimental" with food, we've actually stopped taping without telling her, because she can't tell the difference anyway.  Honestly, you'd think that when we turn all the cameras and lights off, that would be a signal.  But listen, the point is that Rachel is overrated as a tv chef and that's why she can't do anything like Throwdown with Bobby Flay or ever Iron Chef American.  You know what?  I think I'm going to tell her.  I'm a better chef, I should have my own show.  It'd be called Food with Norman Recog.  And none of this octopus ink lime smoothies or candy apple eggrolls or mincemeat yogurt parfait topped with caviar and creamed corn.  So thank you, please do not cease and desist, but instead uncease and insist and continue divulging the secrets of Rachel's success, especially the raw pork rind pad thai uncooked rice casserole.

Sincerely,

Normal Recog

Future host of Food with Normal Recog

So there you have it.  The saga of me making fun of Rachel Ray is over.  Besides, there just comes a time when the Norman Recogs of the world have to get up stand up stand up for your rights.  So here's to you Norman, you may be a terrible chef, but you're a miserable human being too. 

The end all blog all

This is the end of all blogging.  Whoops, wrong entry, sorry about that.  I thought it was 2112, my apologies.  Now that the date mix up is out of the way, lets go ahead and talk about the Weekly Yummo.  That's a new segment of the show where we take a scene from 30 minute meals and dissect it and find out exactly what makes it so great.  In s0ep-2 Yummobrain was making cheese-fried ice cream sandwiches and uncooked spaghetti custard topped with black bean and cabbage paste.  The point is that all things must come to an end.  But the real point is that nothing is so stupid in the area of social networking ,except for facebook, as Twitter.  Can we please objectively look at this for a moment?  As if blogging is terse and incomplete enough, now we have to create something called "microblogs."  What does that even mean?  Blogs are already micro.  Are twits lives so void of any kind of meaning and purpose that in order to find relevance they have to announce to the world all the stupid little things they do minute by minute?  Well, I guess if you're a vapid, empty, useless husk of a human, you'll be right at home with twitter.  But hey, if you have a million followers just like you, no worries right?  You just fit right in.

The word of the day is brontipesto

That word is from the beforetime when pesto was made with dinosaurs.  That was one recipe from last week's Ace of Cakes.  I had heard a lot of good things about Aces of Snakes but when I finally watched it, I thought it wasn't as good as all the bloggers all over the world thought it was.  It's not as good as Iron Chef--the real one, not the fake crappy one.  I get tons of crap from all over because of my belief that the best days of cable television are behind us.  Now that big corporate advertising has gotten behind the best shows as sponsors, it's going to be the same thing as boring network television, where even though the shows have different names and actors and actresses, there's still that nagging feeling that you've seen it all before.  That's why I don't watch TV anymore except Life and 30 Rock.  I don't watch the Office, Scrubs, ER, Mai Tai Transville, The Amazon Race, Facebook.TV, Welcome Home Kotter Family--Welcome Home, Breakfast at Ty Pennington's, America's Next Top Anorexic or Slimmer and The Real Ghostbusters.  Actually I still watch that last one.

Smallville Episode 11

I was listening to some Lady Gaga, but I wasn't going gaga for the lady hahahaha.  I haven't said any transducitive comments in a while, but maybe something will happen during this blog session.  I started watching a show Sleep on it which is on HGTV.  The shows on HGTV are increasingly about nothing that would be really useful to someone like me who is tired of watching other regular boring people do regular boring things.  Where is Hometime?  I thought HGTV was about teaching people about Homes and Gardens, not about the Borings and their boring lives and how entertaining is so important to them.  So important in fact, that it supersedes their relationship with their children.  Stupid.  Anyway, HGTV, please put more  instructional TV on your cable network because it's in danger of becoming TLC which other than What Not to Wear, is not worth watching.  I watched an episode of Space Ghost the other yesterday and it was so very funny.  So funny in fact that I couldn't stop laughing even during the commercials, which there were none in the first place.  30 Minutes Meals is the best show on TV.  Take that and party.

The Bloggers Manifesto

I sometimes find it hard to blog in the face of such increasing hostility towards me and my fellow professional bloggers.  We live in a complex, crafty, impasto world.  And what the world needs is more blogging disguised as journalism.  Even if that journalism is based on nothing more than your opinion.  Let that journalism/opinion be heard!  In any possible medium!  The world needs to hear what you think about everything!  Twit about it to all your Twit friends!  Blog about it until every last "traditional/authoritative/investigative" newspaper is out of business!  Facebook about it to everyone you never really wanted to keep in touch with in the first place!  But above all, no matter what glaring evidence contradicts and disproves your journalism/opinion, never ever concede that you truly know deep down inside yourself that you are completely full of crap, for YOU ARE A BLOGGER!

Books and busses

I recently took up reading for hobby instead of for sport.  What a difference that makes!  But I'd like to talk about a book I was writing, I mean, reading.  I won't tell  you what it is though because I don't want any spoilers spoiling the book for me.  Because it is so good.  It's the best book since I read The Tales of the Unfortunate Children who Wreck Everything.  It's called...it's called....no, I just can't.  I have to finish it first.  Then I will tell the world of what I'm feeling, this is not the end, a new beginning.  Well I came back to this entry after finishing my new book and I am ready to divest the name unto you.  It is called Harry Potter and the Bard Beetle.  Actually I read that too and I've commentaried on that in the future.  But the book is actually called "City of Ember."  And, without sarcasm or rachel yummo jokes, it was a fantastic book.  I really enjoyed it, even more than The Sad Children who unfortunately bite everything.

Being electrocuted

Being offended is a lot like being in love.  Except replace the word offended with the word love.  That is the wisdom of the ages.  Here's another story for you.  3 brothers decided to do what many other people in many other stories have done, which is to cheat death.  You cheat death of course, by beating him at something he's good at, in this case, I can't remember what it was.  Then, because you cheat death, he's obligated to give you whatever your heart desires.  In this case, it was a stick, a rock, and a cape.  These 3 items are known as the Deathly Bellows.  But wait, there's a trick, 2 of the items will turn on the user if the user is not wise.  Bet you didn't see that coming.  And of course, the youngest/wisest of the brothers is wise and doesn't fall for death's cunning trickery.  The end.  Oh wait, when the 3rd brother is ready to die, he greets death as an old friend, because that's what their relationship is based on, not cheating and tricking.  And what's the first thing you do after you finally meet someone that you've been running from and hiding from your entire life?  You greet them as an old friend.  At least, that's what wise young brothers do, even though death tricked your other brothers into dying years before you and has since hunted and chased you down as an act of revenge.  But at least they are old friends now.

The rebirth

I've decided to create a sound and sensible blog posting, for all the haysayers that do nothing but eat hay and talk about how I can't do this or that.  First of all, my new computer is smashtastic and tackles all incoming games.  Incoming game.  That is a funny transducitive comment.  I was meaning to talk about something, but my words got mixed up and now they mean the opposite of what I was originally not talking about.  These things just work themselves out though.  Lets see, what else can I talk about besides those 2 doughheads on FoodTV...I went to subway and enjoyed a delicious "steak" and cheese subway sandwich.  They actually made it pretty good, it hearkened back to the beforetime when they actually did pile stuff on them and it was a struggle, a downright struggle, to fit it all into the bun.  I was pleased with the results.  Speaking of struggles, I struggle to see why the Wachowskis desired to fork up what could have been the best movie trilogy of all time, The Matrices.  The first one was so ground-breaking and awesome that it changed cinema.  The other two were so ridiculously terrible, they reversed all the awesomeness of the first one and now the whole series is a big joke.  That is tragic.  But lets move on.  The destiny of this blog is to become the number one blog in the world.  But in order to make this happen, I need focus and clarity and lots of popular search phrases.  Why so serious? 

If you wanna be my elephonker

When you hear the word "Elephonk", what comes to mind?  Well, for me, it was the time that Guido McDorkus was cooking Elephonk Truffles on her show, Everyday Idiocy and she said, "This is going to add a nice Elephonk flavor to the truffles."  Then the camera filpped to a new scene of her in a club with some of her girlfriends and they drinking.  Yeah, we get it, you're so cool and italian that you get yourself filmed drinking some orangetinis.  Lets all fall down and worship you for your amazing cooking skills and also your taste in fruity alcoholic beverages.  I heard she was either getting married or is married to a football star.  I hope they like the words "nice" and "basically."  In other cooking news, Coke actually is it.  In more tire news, people that use tires on their vehicles have a greater chance of moving than those that try to modify their gastanks with a scam water powered fuel cells.  It's a scam people, I've confirmed with a highly published, highly decorated mechanical engineer.  He reviewed the proposal and then used the magic science to defirm that you can't in fact not run a vehicle that isn't powered by not water.  In other news, vanpooling takes less time that carpooling, but both of those activies take longer than blogging a decent, coherent blog post, which is why there are so few of those on the  nintendernet. 

I've never danced in the Pan Pacific Grand Prison

But I did dance in a Holiday Inn.  Smart huh?  Why so serious.  It has come to my attention that the general opinion towards my blog is one of disdain and uncouthness.  But you know what?  I'm going to take that disdain and uncouthness and I'm going to take it and roll it into a ball and neutralize it and throw it back to you in the form of a positive ball of positivity.  And you'll be like "SHAZAZZMATTAZZ!"  The point is that if there were no Harry Potter, would the face of children's literature be JK Rowling?  No, it'd be NK Stouffer for coming up with Muggles in the first place.  Take that JK Frauwdling.  The best part in the first Harry Potter movie was, let see, it was, hold on a sec, lets see...hold on, one more second, it was, hmmm, one sec, lemme see, it was.  I guess there wasn't a good part in that movie or any movie ever made except for Red Sonya.  But I'm told that all the rest of the movies are action packed and feature packed with muggles and muggbloods, giants and geeks, magic and materia.  All that matters is that if Harry Potter met Conan in a red room with black walls and white curtains and pink drapes and a purple door and orange window treatments and teal carpet and paisley wainscoting and mauve ceiling and green furniture and periwinkle afgan and yellow rug and grey trim, they'd both die from color inhalation.

Today on a very special episode of The Green Bottle

I sent my last post from a mobile device, but the way that posting to your blog, or bloasting, is handled by this application, it will not show that I did that last.  It will show what I did next but not in the right place.  Which is the last place.  This is simliar to the way Sarah 30 Minute Mummo goes about doing things wrong, but not on purpose.  She does things wrong because she is stupid.  It's not personal though, I just don't like her as a person.  In other cooking news, Bobby Flay is turning into the male Sarah Yummo.  He's got a ways to go, but I can see it forming.  I also saw someone make macaroni and cheese that was 2000 calories per serving.  That kind has 15 different cheeses, but can you really even tell the difference between real cheese and kraft cheese powder?  I know i can't.  I enjoy making macaroni and cheese but only if it is cooked al dente which means, by a dentist.  In other news, on the way home from work today I'm stopping to buy my new playstation 3 game called Sarah Yummo Dances to the Hits.  My other dancing based game, The Spice Girls Game, is so awesome it will rickroll you right out of your rickroll.  I was reading some old blogs by other people this weekend and it was pathetic.  Not the people, the blogs.  And the people.  I've been told many times my fascination with Yummos is greater than my fascination with Jared Fogle.  But all I can say is "The Pants Don't Lie".  If the Fogle ate slubway for every meal for 2 weeks and lost 300 pounds, anyone can.  Just don't add anything to your turkey and cheese nice and spicy chipotle.  Slubway--it does a body slub.

30 Minute Blogs

Today on 30 Minute Massacre Meals, Rachel McYummo is making a split pea and cottage cheese waffle with whey syrup and roe polenta cracklins.  YUMMO ARE YOU SO SERIOUS?!  Seriously though, that's so yummo.  I keep thinking about the connection between Rachel TheYummo Ray and the cloverfield monsters.  Both things cook things that look like themselves.  Both things should have been big tentacled creatures.  Both things have ear parasites that are also edible.  And both things currently have an overrated cooking/talk show.  Ha Rachel, I'm just teasing about that last one. 

30 Minute Mausea

I didn't watch 30 Minute Monstrocities yesterday nor did I watch Tapout with Bobby Flay nor did I watch Everyday Innocuous with Jimminie Cricketto.  I did watch a boxer get KO'ed by the first punch of the match.  And when he got up, he thought he was still boxing, he was trying to put his gloves up and everything as the ref was trying to tell him the fight was over.  In other youtube fighting news, the fat kid falling off the diving board is probably the best video of all time, and also the little german kid who jumps but doesn't quite make it into the swimming pool.  The real question is, does what you think out loud in your blog make you better than people who don't have a blog?  The answer is a simple answer.  I am better than other bloggers because I realize that blogging is not a legitimate form of communicizing.  It's just talking to whomever is listening, like Jack Burton does on the Pork Chop Express.  But what if nobody is listening?  Why do you still talk, er blog?  The answer is a simple answer.  Just like in Harry Potter and the Crab Grabbers 7, Harry was talking about something that happened to him in the before time and without thinking he began talking about the crab grabbers.  And that's how it's done.

Basically EVOO

This morning I was thinking about what I didn't write yesterday.  And I felt like perhaps I was too harsh towards my fellow professional food makercookers in the food cookers union.  I mean, we're all professionals right?  Just because Rachel Yummo wants to cook a steamed blueberry liver quiche with blanched pork medallions garnished with live quail doesn't make her any less knowlegable than Giovanni Macaroni who basically makes basically nice, nice basically.  I expect the same consideration from my colleagues that I give to my colleagues of professional food cookering.  I'm actually starting my own reality show.  It's called Basically EVOO, where every dish is basically nice EVOO.  Because I know what people are willing to sit through in the name of relaxation.  People are still wasting time on Lost and Heroes right?  If anybody knows Galileo Guantanamo, please tell her to stop saying basically and nice entirely.  And if anybody knows 30 Minute Yummo, please tell her to wash her produce as soon as she gets home, it's a huge time saver!  Reckon! 

Everyday Loathing

I was thinking about something as I was watching an episode of Everyday Iltalian with Giacomino Geppetto, the hostess.  She was talking, and I've blogged about this before, and every 10th word of her mouths was either "nice" or "basically" and it was usually in some form of succession or another.  For instance, "Basically, this is going to add a nice creamy flavor" as she adds, guess what, cream to some little italian pastries which she also described as nice and light.  How about this-"This is going to add a nice salty flavor to the panini" as she sprinkles, right again, salt, into the panini which also housed a cantelope wedge, which she described as a nice cantelope flavor.  She is so innoucous, I can't tell if I loathe her or if she puts me to sleep.  But, oh wait, yes I do know, it's loathing.  The way I loathe myself.  In other news, I was watching Rachel Ray add EVOO to something that was so non-nutritive, I'm surprised the SEC hasn't revoked her TV Cheffing license.  "The first thing I'm going to do is add some EVOO.  Just heat that up and Yummo!  You have your first part of this meal!"  The second part involved roe syrup on deep fried Slimjims wrapped in potato skin pancakes.  YUMMO!  I hope you find that as you continue reading my weblog or weblog for short, you will find that my weblog or weblog for short seems to be more coherent. 

In the blogginning

Before there were blogs, there were frogs. And before there were frogs there were Rachel Rays, you get the idea. It's not like somebody just went on Rachel Ray's show and said hey Rachel, you are so smart, can you please endorse my footpowder? It also tastes great on boiled eggs benedict sourcrauwt surprise! Rachel was so ennamoured with the idea that she said...well, you get the idea. In other news, Global Warming has been proved to be completely bogus. Take that you stupid gullible hosers. Green whatever. Happy Feet whatever. Climate change is about as real as Rachel Ray winning the golden glove award for journalism. Global Warming: It's an inconvenient bogusness.

Dog tossing

That title reminds of the time I tossed a dog off of a 3rd story balcony.  That was so awesome, not because the dog was fine, but because of the personal growth I felt that day;  the child had become a man.  The following takes place between a pound of almond bark and  rich chocolate ovaltine.  I would like to pose a question to the so-called "blogosphere", which could be the most meaningless word ever conceived by the way.  So everyone in the blogosphere, what makes your opinion so special that your opinion must be heard and even have it enshrined in a personal webspace?  I blog as well, you're right, but only because I'm trying to destroy blogging as an activity.  It's me against the blogosphere. 

Even better than the fake thing

The post of this blog title is what in blogoworld is known as a mistypical error.  It's when you mean to say one thing, but you are trying to say something that means simliar and you end up with switched words which the mean the opposite of what you weren't trying to say with the other word.  Why so serious.  I'm dead serious, let me reassure you.  Zoo Station.  In the words of legendary comedian Bob Dillon, "Why so serious?"  This site will Rickroll you right off your chair.

 

This is what is known as Blockquote text.  It's a useful tool for Progressional Bloggers who need to hide behind someone else's opinion because the Professional Blogger is incapable of putting enough words together to create a cohesive idea.

The all-new all-different all-boring Xmen

Dreamworks vs Pixar is an easy debate.  Pixar wins.  Madagascar 2 vs. Wall*E is easy.   Wall*E wins.  But even though some people are uncomfortable with the large man hippo in Madagascar because he challenges their sexuality, it was an entertaining movie.  But what will the future hold for Pixar?  Will their upcoming Marines vs. Aliens be as successful as the original Alien-the grippingest scifi ever created?  Now I'd like switch gears and talk about Pixar.  Yes, Monstaar's Inc. was terrible as everybody knows and agrees, but technically, it achieved, where it did not achieve entertainmentally.  There's a part in that movie where the big guy was in the snow and the snow was stucked to his fur.  That part was very technical.  Now I'd like to switch gears and talk about Pixar.  Their UPcoming movie is called Up.  If you notice, I capitulized the UP in the word UPcoming because the name of the movie is Up.  It's a straight to DVD release so we can be assured that it will be as good as all the other straight to DVD releases like Space Buddies and Beverly Hills Chihuahua and many other pointless movies starring talking dogs.  Now I'd like to switch gears and talk about shooting dogs with a slingshot.  That is a painful thing to do to a dog, which is why you don't aim for the eyes, but instead, go for the broadside.  This is also painful to the dog, but it brings joy to both the dog owner and the slingshot owner as well as the dog. 

Rasum Lasum Shaduslusum Li

Those are some lyrics I heard in an Enya song once.  Why so serious.  I'll tell you why.  Because Enya is serious.  And her music is for no joke.  I was tranducing media from my computer to awesome PS3 last night and I dawned on me how awesome that is.  Blog FA 2009 continues to go well, now that I blog again in an attempt to destroy blogging as a legitimate form of communication.  I'm going to make a shirt that says "Losers Tweet, Real Losers Blog."  Hahaha, that's so serious.  I mean funny.  I don't have a tweeter account because if I wanted a pointless message that was only 11 words long, I'd pick up the phone, dial 411 and sign up for PhoneSpam.  Tweeter is the same as spam.  Spam the byproduct of the email explosion, not Spam, the potted meat food product.  I heard some science news that goes something like this:

Aperture Science

We do what we must because we can

For the good of all of us

Except the ones who are dead

We have to keep doing the science.  Last night I played guitar like Eddie Van Halen.  Why so serious.

Tonight on Masterpiece

Another prententious British movie.  But I watched it anyway.  But I don't remember anything about it, especially the performances of the eventually heavily over-breathing Daniel Potter-Radcliffe.  I did watch a very good trumpet player with the last name Botti on another night sometime last week.  I was thinking I should get a trumpet.  I was doing some fan-art last night and I was thinking that everyone on the internet should see my work because I'm so good.  That is what is known as a tranducitive comment.  When you say something that could apply to multiple dimensions at the exact same point in time across all times.  That's a transducitive comment.  Because in another dimensions, I'm a famous fan-artist and in another dimension I'm a famous washcloth.

The internet is dead

I'm not saying I want the internet to go away entirely.  I just want to purge from it all the pointless meaningless junk that so many people now waste their time, not to mention mine.  Lets get rid of everything social networking, blogs, harry potter anything, WOW forums, youtube and her clones, 4chan and everything like unto it, all fanart, stupid classmates.com, online dating, pretty much everything.  Who needs that garbage?  Lets use the internet for what it was truly intended--playing first person shooters and bullying people.  Now that's out of the way I can move on to more important things, like hairclips and headbands.

2009 Progger Awards

The Progger (Proggy) award is given to Professional Bloggers.  If you would like to be considered for a Proggy, all you have to do is continue writing pompous windbag blog entries.  If it's pompous enough, I'll send you a Proggy.  And since most are, I anticipate giving out many many Proggies this year.  Far more than last year, for certain.  On another note, there seems to be some confusion about the posting of the past 5 blog entries.  That's just an observation.  And now for some science news, even though newspapers all over the country are going out of business, you can always count on The Green Bottle to bring you the hard hitting, unapolagetic investigatory journalism and pet stories that you've come to know and trust.