We put the "Bad Journalism" in bad journalism.

Wednesday, February 07, 2024

The Rheengs of Tower

Everyone is talking about the new Lord of the Beans movie coming to Amazon, the "Home of All Franchise Properties."  What i find the most interesting about my previous statement is how innerconnected it is with the reality of managing a modern box office intellectual property. Something that I do regularly, ergo, I am the most familiar with that activity.. For example, take The Wheel of Time show on Amazon for example which is actually based on the real-life Gone Girl Elizabeth Bennet. I did not manage that property, therefore it was something that would have made Ol' Rodgen die of fainting. Another thing I was doing recently is counting all my comments on my now eleventeen months old blog. Typically blogs are measured in cat years which equates to eleventeen in cat years because cats and dogs are measured by the same unit of blogs. 

Friday, July 27, 2018

Retrofuture analog blogging

My retrofuture blogging streak continues  unabstained. I also went to the store today and asked for more blogging paper. The salesindividual said oh you mean digital ink? And I said, yes something like that. In other news, Trump or who some people calling Beorn, roared like a bear when confronted with his opinions about the rampant immigration of the noldor to beleriand.

Wednesday, May 30, 2018

Blogging on the mobile smart device

I finally have one of these new "smart-phones" and I installed an "app" for blogging so now I can blog my thoughts directly to you.  Which, honestly, there isn't much of these days.  I have a backlog of posts I've written on my typewriter but I haven't copied them to computer yet.  I ran out of typewriter ink so I can open my document.  But one of the posts is called The Force Cycle. Which reminds me, is it the new way of things that you only have one space after a period? I am not up on all the new things.

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Conan the Legorian

The part in Conan where he is asked "What is best in life" might be the most important question that has ever been asked.  The reason being that if Conan had responded with anything other than his immortal answer, he would have never gained enough courage to fight President Business and the KISS army.

Agents of Postulation

Writing is for the birds.  And by birds, I mean birds that know how to read.  I have been trying to crack the writing nut, like a peregrine falcon opening a snail shell, for years now.  Everytime I hear advice or read something from an alledged literary agent, it's all just a confliction of contradictions.  A juxtaposition of contractions.  It's enough to make me wonder if the entire "literary agent" field are actually just authors stealing the work of other authors under the guise of helping them get published.  No, sorry, your super awesome idea about flying sentient pickles is rejected.  Please revise, but this time if you could include more about their backstory and answer these questions:  Where did they come from?  What do they eat?  Why are they trying to get to the Galactic Core?  How did they convert processed cheese to fuel cells?  And something more about the main character's motivation would be helpful to, you know, get you published.  So send a more complete story and I think you'll be in good shape.  I postulate that literary agents are agents of literary destruction.  Stealing the work of legitimate authors to meet their own publishing aspirations.  I'm happy to look at any work too and I can help you get published also, just send me a complete manuscript.

Poetry in motion

Two days in Summer
One day in Winter
Three days in Spring
Four days in Summer
Is equal to ten days

For those not familiar with my prose poetry, or prosetry, it is a simmering affair with words and nuanced meanings overlain with playful meanderings.

Politics and Accountability

I was sitting there, minding my own business when I was approached by several bees asking me about their beeswax.  I said, "I'm just minding my own business, I mean, beeswax, so I can't help you."  They seemed ok with that response and went on their way.  In other news The Don of Politics, The Trump Card in the 2016 race, The One and Only Hillary Clinton is doing very poorly among voters registered as republicans, independents and conservatives, which has been a stronghold for her during this race.  The shift in voter response came after she slandered Bernie Slander by saying he was"too cool for life and your face looks like a empty cornucopia and your arms hang like they don't have any bones in them like that one scene in the famous Harry Potter direct to video production of the Chamber of Secrets starring Danielle Radface" during the last debate.  Slanders commented to Hillary that "well you don't know anything and your face looks like a clove of garlic and your arms look like the time that one fat kid tried to jump off the diving board but he slipped and fell and someone put it on youtube and now everyone laughs at him."  But overall it was a successful debate.  Was it about politics?  Yes and no.  Was it about personal attacks?  Yes.  Was it about politics?  Yes and no, but mostly yes.  Did Bernie "The Sandman" Slanders get elected in the Iowa cluckus?  That is a chicken for another time.

Prose and Predjudice

In my efforts to write original prose and sentences about things, I have come up with a slam dunk of a basketball-based metaphor for describing my story.  It's so good, it's a steal.  Did you notice the subtle use of the basketball-based metaphor?  If you are an aspiring person that writes words good in sentences and paragraph form, it would be a pleasant idea to review that previous sentence.  But really my latest book is not derivative per "se" but it's based on the setting and character traits of an existing collection of words and sentences but I've taken these characters, changed their names and placed them into new situations.  Therefore it's not derivative, but an altogether new story based on similar characters with different names.  It makes sense for authors to do this because it saves time in developing new characters, and also using existing characters with different names helps the readers feel more familiar with the characters and plotlines.  Many authors have been very successful using this method: Stephanie Myers, Jeff Goldblum, Tom Clancy, Suzanne Collins, Colm Meaney, The Rowling Twins JK Rowling and NK Stouffer, Jimmer Fredette and of course James Patterson.  These authors should be congratulated for helping us as readers more thoroughly enjoy their books by using derivative characters, settings and plots.  This allows us to get books faster and read their words more gooder.

Dog Swapping

Have you heard of the new craze sweeping the nation-state of America.  It's called Dog Swapping and it's the hottest thing since Roomba the fitness miracle faked it's way into your DVD player with promises of health through spinning around your living room.  Ok, I admit it.  Dog swapping is totally bogus.  In fact, it's completely made up.  But there is some truth to it.  Dogs can be swapped.  But I should actually say "swopped" if you know what I mean.  So here's what you do.  You find a small dog, something that can fit in a bucket.  Grab the dog, and trust me, the owners of the dogs are totally cool with this, so no worries there, in fact they will probably thank you! Put the dog into a bag or something for safe keeping.  Like either a plastic garbage from Costco or maybe wrap it up safely in plastic wrap.  You get the idea.  So then take the wrapped up little dog and then place it into a bucket.  Then fill up the bucket with hot water.  Dogs love hot water anyway, so they would thank you if they could talk.  Then, put some kind of cleaning agent into the water, something like ammonia or bleach.  Soft scrub bleach would work too, but you'll want to put a bunch in.  So now I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking "Ok this is great for the dog and everything, a hot chemical bath while wrapped tight in plastic wrap, but when do I get to have some fun too?!"  Ok here is the fun part I promise.  Take a mop, I'm sure you've got one laying around somewhere.  This is what you're going to do.  With your mop, swish the dog mixture around in the bucket!  See, the sw in the word swap is from the Swish and then the opping in the word swopping is from mopping.  Now you know the origin of Dog Swopping.  But enough about that, lets get back to these dogs.  They love this!  So you get the good feeling about playing with your dog and then you can even use the dog to mop your floor, so then your floor gets clean.

Monday, June 29, 2015

Sean Bean is pronounced Sean Bonn or Seen Been, either is acceptable

Last night on last week tonight yesterday the host Sean Bean was talking about how everyone talks about how he dies in every movie he has ever starred in except for The Lord of the Beans, when he took out a Kalashnikov and shot everyone in the live studio audience.  Then he said "How do you like those beans?"  But since everyone in the audience was a paid actor and they just used fake blood and his gun was filled with blanks, everyone applauded him and gave him an Oscar.  He was so upset that everyone was still alive, he pointed the gun at his head and pulled the trigger.  The gun was loaded with blanks but he still pretended to die anyway.  Later he actually did die because he always dies in every movie.

Dog Sledmobiling

As the reigning king of sled dogmobiling, I've seen my share of sled dogs and mobiles.  Of course, as the goal of sled dog mobiling is to knock over as many dogs as you can with your sledmobile, I've seen plenty of dogs knocked over.  Because I'm the champ.  I'm the top ranked dogger.  But I'm also glad they are introducing a new guinea pig category this year for the younger entrants into the sport.  Plus they aren't as fast so it's easier to hit them with your sledmobile.  In other e-sports news, the world championship of DOTA just happened.  The most boring game genre ever conceived is the biggest e-sports category.  But that's kind of the same thing with nascar too though.  You have a billion people flocking to nascar "races" every year only see the cars go around the track over and over again at a regulated speed.  And you have all these infatuated lovesick MOBA crushes falling all over themselves while watching someone else play a super boring game with a fixed outcome.  I wish we could just ask ourselves if either of these two "sports activities" is worth the time and money.

Design on a dimwit

It's true what people say about Pacific Rim.  They say it's the best Hellboy clone since Hellboy 2, in case you hadn't heard.  This is because it's pretty much the same movie.  It has the same trademark Guillermo Del Toro acting and also giant monsters.  But it also has the trademark Benicio Del Toro acting who was so good in The Usual Suspects, an ancient movie by today's Standards of Ancience set forth by The American Standard Institute of Ancience (or ASIA).  They also write standards for backyard design, and so when they saw last night's Design on a Dime, they first said, "No dimes were harmed in the making of this backyard" but right after that they said "because this backyard is a terrible design, except for this delightful table with a cut out center."

An inkling for food

I had an inkling the other day.  That's because I caught him trying to steal my napkin at Applebees.  So I grabbed him and some of his ink squished out and then the waitress was like "Hey where did all this ink come from, we just had the inkicide people spray everywhere."  Just then the inkling bit my hand and jumped on the waitress.  She screamed and we tried to get the inkling off, but it was too late and she ended up a puddle of ink on the floor from which more inklings sprung forth and attacked the other Applebees patrons.  She was also pretty slow on refilling my beverage.  And she kept screaming about not wanting to be liquified into semi-viscous inkling spawning material from which more inklings would spring forth.  And it's because of these complaints I have, and several others, that I was forced to report Applebees to the Inkling Watch Committee for further investigation.  Or should I say further ingestion because if you eat an entire Applebees nachos, that's what you're doing.  Also I was watching Pacific Rim at Costco again and I noticed an error.  It occurs between SMPTE 0:09:15:01 and 1:52:59:01 of the movie.  That's because most of the movie is an error in that it could have been so righteous and yet it wasn't.  Therefore because of the multiplicative inverse property of 0, error.

Interstellar War with a side of global annihilation

If I have learned one thing in all my years from instigating interstellar war, it is this:  I was right about Jared Fogle, along with basically everyone else that has ever met that guy.  But I was also right about Guy Ferrari.  Not that he's a perv, but that he's not a chef.  And that brings us to our final point.  If Guy Fantasmic continues to have a show on cable television, we are doomed.  Not just in the ratings war, but as a species.  We cannot survive another Guypocalpyse.  And seriously, the dude is not a chef.  And seriously, some dude named Adam Richland, who's held just about every position in the restaurant business who is specifically not a competitive eater qualifies him to have his own show about competitive eating which depicts him eating competitively?  Please FoodNetwork, if could just shut down yourself and cancel all your programming, that would be great.  Terrible, but great.

SQL is like Ovaltine

SQL can help anyone visualize data.  But do you know what the best part about it is?  It's so good for you, you can drink it whenever you want.  Just like rich chocolatey chocolate water.  

Finger hangups

After 10 years of dominating the blog scene, this blogger has decided to hang up his fingers.  I say fingers, because you use your fingers with a keyboard.  To type things. That's what that phrase means.  Anyway, this will be my last entry because I'm hanging up my fingers.  It's been a road filled with blogs and food and blogs about food and food about other food.  All in all, it's been mostly about food.  And when I look back on this blog, I will think mostly about my precious readers and food.  But mostly about my precious readers' food.  That's because I'm in ur fridge eatin ur fuds.  And that's how you punk someone.  I just punked the entire internet because you thought I had hung up my fingers, but in fact, I just hung up YOUR fingers and now YOU have to quit blogging.  But that's how things work in this business.  Or, should I say, worked, because you don't have a job anymore in this business.  Or should I say, bloginess. Either way you're fired.  Just like recent presidential unhopeful Don "The Donald Trump" Trump used to say on his hit food show "The Appfoodtice" where he would fire unlucky food creators for not using all the ingredients.  But seriously I quit.

Flipper Flops

I was watching this new realitainment show called Flip or Flop.  It follows the crazy world of a fake couple masquerading as husband and wife that buy cheap houses, do some minor cosmetic work on them and then sell them for huge profit for which they do almost no work.  It should be called Middle Men Floppers because that's what these people are.  Tom Shane of the Shane Company Direct Diamond Importers needs to eliminate these middle men like he has done with the diamond business.  Even though he has a deviated septum.  Or is it the Shang Company.  Like Shang Tsung.  I'm thinking it might actually be Shang Tsung, Usurper of the Throne of Outworld and eventually displaced Ruler of Outworld, who is eliminating the middle men.  That would make more sense.  But these middle men flippers should be flipped off with your middle finger because they are hosing up the housing market with their inflated prices and inflated sense of self worth.  If there were no house flippers in the world, and people bought homes they wanted to live in and fixed them up, we would have more affordable prices for everybody and also it would help stabilize the price of cheese.

It was the prosperous of times it was the perilous of times

I was listening to Queen's rendition of the Flash Gordon battle scene soundtrack and it was so epic, I had to throw my computer out the window over and over until it broke into separate components.  That's how epic that track is.

The measurement of courage

True courage cannot be measured in minutes or bytes or other measurements of substances and objects, but only in the amount one desires to change the hearts of others through the forging of new bonds of kindness and humanity.  That is how your measure courage.

Crashing lives and crashing markets

I've been watching lots of The Property Brothers, or more accurately, The Property Bothers, because they are so unintelligible.  But it has made me realize something.  I enjoy watching people's lives fall to pieces on television.  Whether that be because of the property bothers or the flipping floppers or diners drive-ins and dudebros, everyone's lives on those shows eventually falls to pieces about three-quarters of the way through the show.  And it is glorious.  Remember the time when Guy McDudebro went to the one lady's pizza restuarant and said how everything was out of bounds and how the food would be better if she added some backwards sunglasses to the sauce.  But when the customers came in to try her signature dish, called Pizza Picatta, they all told her how terrible it is.  She then looked at Guy and he did one of those shrugs with his shoulders as if to say "To me, this place is out of bounds, you get that spicyness from the spice and the sweetness from the candy, I mean it's legit.  I'm just going to put my sunglasses on backwards again.  I just gotta check this out."   But it's passe to poke fun at Guy Figleaf these days because it's been done so much that you have to ask what's the point anymore?  He's responsible for quotes like "Out of Bounds" and "Glub glub glub this is good sauce" just like he's responsible for destroying the Food Network.  Thanks Guy Fedex and the Property Bothers for wrecking cable.

The eyes of tooth

Are always brushing.  I watched the trailer for The Matrix the other day.  I know this audience agrees with me that it is from the best decade of cinema since the 80s.  The 90s.  Because lets be honest to each other, the 90s was the best decade for cinema.  There you go.  End of story.  Period.  Game over.  Lights out.  Anyway, The Matrix is the best Matrix-based movie I ever see.

What I saw in the fridge

It will shock you.  I was in my kitchen one mid-morning after I got home from shopping.  I was taking my food out of the paper bags I get from the grocery store.  I then heard a strange rumbling sound, or a growling sound that seemed to be coming from the fridge.  It was a Jenn-Air so I knew that the fridge could not possibly by broken.  Seriously that fridge was 12 thousand US dollars.  I opened the fridge and it's like there was a gateway to another dimension in there.  And I heard a voice say Zuul.

The changing world of blogging about changes in the world

The world is changing.  I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the blogs.  And so thus begins a much heralded entry in my blog.  Today I write about changes in the world of blogging about changes in the world.  Actually I changed my mind, I'm going to write about science news instead.  Today in sciences news, science-ists have performed the worlds first vegetable to animal mind swap.  We all know that mind swaps have been happening between humans and people, but this is the first vegetable to animal swap. A brain of an elephant was placed into a bag of baby carrots.  This would have been a great triumph for science lovers everywhere, but the bag ran out the door when confronted by a mouse who had been brain swapped with an elephant.  Since mice are afraid of carrots, the elephant mouse was confused and the carrots ran away with the spoon.

Avatarlicious

I was watching the Avatar cartoon, not the movie with the people who can "avatar" the air around them, but the cartoon with the blue people who live in an underwater paradise above water because everything is always floating.  Which of course can only happen if things are underwater.  That's what I tell my clients more than anything else.  If you're underwater, you're floating. But anyway I was watching the cartoon with the blue people and I noticed that they also can "avatar" the fire, wind, water, life, air, and other elements, namely, Heart, Earth, Fire, Wind and Water.  And then by their powers combined, they summon the greatest hero of all, Hollywood Effects Man who has the power to make anything you can imagine but it only exists on screen and so when they "avatar" their powers together, they create Avatar Man who is not actually blue, but is a live-action version of the blue people.  Then they decided that since they were actual people now, they would start a Las Vegas show which is pretty good if you ever get a chance to see it.  It's called Avatar Man Group or maybe Blue People the last avatar people.  It's one of those I'm pretty sure.

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Cheese Hopping The Movie

I'm in a movie called Cheese Hopping.  I play the part of the cantankerous old cheese brewing expert.  My costar is McCauley Caulkin who plays the part of the little boy with a passion for cheese brewing.  Of course through the course of the movie and a great many anecdotes and quotables, I end up saving the boy's life.  But not before...he saves mine.  It's a great movie with a great cast.  Think Finding Forrester, but with more cheese and more anecdotes.  Also, I mean actual cheese, not the cheese that already fills Finding Forrester to the brim.  We all know that movie has enough of that kind of cheese.  Seriously, old people aren't all wise and benevolent you know.  I remember this one time an old lady yelled at me.  All I was doing was walking and the lady yelled at me about stepping on her grass.  I cried, but they were tears of joy.  Why were they tears of joy?  The answer is they weren't.  I was 22 years old why is this lady busting me for walking on the grass.  The lady ended up having Alzheimer's syndrome.  But I...I had the real problem.

One ring to rule the mall

And in the Waldenbooks bind them.  You see it's funny because of the play on the word bind.  Books are also bound.  Waldenbooks is found in malls, which the one ring rules.  It all ties together in a fantasy-inspired piece of humor.  And isn't that what high-fantasy is all about?  I mean the entire genre is just full of humor.  And history.  Actually that reminds me of the best line from the once incredible, now terrible movie Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.  "The world is full of history."  I think the movie would have aged better if they cast Zach Morris as Rufus.

Cheese tasting with Arrowsmith

There was a time when I was so broken hearted.  Food wasn't much of a friend of mine.  The tables were set yeah you gotta certain cheesy...I know what you're thinking, and yes, that does sound like the lyrics from the popular Arrowsmith track, but I wrote that song years before.  Stephen Tyler was visiting my house and we were talking about cheese.  I spontaneously began singing this song without any prompting.  Of course, he thought it was fantastic and then later adapted it for use on the radio.  The preceding tale of alien encounters is false.

That will teach that library lady worker a lesson

This one time I went into a library and the librarian lady (because they are all ladies) hassled me about looking at other people's books on hold so I spend the next half hour moving books around in the library and screwing up their Dewey decibel placement.  Nobody will ever find Stacy Stitches or Dog Stories ever again.  Also this is a true story.  And seriously library ladies everywhere, please stop hassling the people that pay your salaries.  And also guess what.  I voted no on increasing funding for libraries.  And also guess what.  I returned my books on time so I didn't have to pay any fines.  As you can see library lady, I have skillfully defeated your passive aggression with my own more passive and more aggressive approach.

A Raise of Hands

Two hands raise in a yellow wood and I-- I high fived the one less high fived And that has made all the difference Although sometimes I wonder whose hands were raised in a yellow wood And what they were doing just hanging out there by themselves -the end That poem is a great symbol of American ingenuity and interval, because who is to say what would have happened, were the other hand high-fived. What could have been the difference. But to be or not to be, that is the real question. And who is to say, what that statement even means, because as oft-quoth as it is, I daresay that it has lost most of it's meaning, whatever original meaning it once carried. But like other great works of non-fiction, Mockingjay, Mockinghay, The Gideons Bible, The Gray Demon of Sanditon, Abraham Lincoln and the War of Northern Aggression and many other works by Billiam Shakespeare including those on the list I just shared with you, it is just plainly quoth too much. For instance, when King Arthur says "Nevermore nevermore", are we simply reading the words or are we really listening to what is said. The answer to that question depends on if you are reading the book yourself or being read to by a friendly librarian.

Mourning a great loss

There was a tragedy today on the road this morning. A car hit an oncoming truck. There were probably injuries, but this next part will shock and disturb you. The truck was carrying cheese bound for grocery stores. Yours and mine. Just let that sink in for a moment. We are all affected by this tragedy. I hope that the next time we look at cheese, we can all remember the sacrifice it makes to get to our grocer's deli and, for less expensive brands, the cold dairy aisle. And what of the people you say? I can't believe you would even ask that. What is a person when compared to a 18-month aged wheel of Romano.

Now..I….had..the time of my acting

This is going to surprise and shock and probably drive away a full half of my viewing audience, but when this song comes on my custom Pandora channel called "I had the time of my life radio" I just want to get up and dance, but not dirtily. Just cleanily dancing. It really is too bad though, Ferris Bueler's sister Jeanie was supposed to set the acting world on fire or the world of any other local parallel dimension. She did pretty good at first, blazing through Dirty Dancing and then Strictly Ballroom, but then she got that nose job and let me tell you, it was all down hill from there. Downhill like the ski slope of her new nose. She was able to pick up voice acting work after that, for instance as the titular character in Shrek and then the minions in Despicable Me and some videogame characters such as Yoshi and Ryu. But I thought we were going to see her on her own sitcoms and hosting America's funniest Home Videos and a guest star on Full House. But no, to see this would-be gem, you have to go buy tickets to The Phantom of the Opera where she is the current understudy for Woman in Mask #8. Jeanie Bueler, you will be missed.

Don’t go breakin’ my arm

I couldn't if I tried. But that's because it's Colossus's arm and it's made of steel. I hope that in the next X-Men, Colossus kills Storm like he does in X-Men Days of Thunder. In other news, why so serious. You know I added a bunch of Why So Serious's in a previous blentry and so far they haven't set the world on fire. I think I need to go with something more here and now, something more edgy and something hip. Something like Paris Hilton. Yeah, that girl is the real deal. Paris Hilton Paris Hilton Paris Hilton. That should do it. Now traffic is going to flow here like a wheel of cheese rolls over a deaf boy in Europe which is then filmed for American audiences.

I watched Pride and Prejudice and all I got was this lousy life-changing experience

You can't watch P&P without feeling the heart ache of the Bennet sisters as they struggle to set Mary up on a date with Mr. Whingly, the rich ne'er do well Army brat officer. It turns out he is a scumbagging dance partner though, but try and forget that part because in the movie when he finally asks Mary to dance and she's like "Whatevs Immabee reading this book about caring for rabbits in ancient Sparta" and he's all "Fine you know what I'm going to ask Jane to dance because she is otherwise unengaged and her looks are tolerable." It was a huge blowup in the movie, but then after shooting was over, they made up and danced the Macarena on roller skates and then Anne Hathaway broke through the wall and sang Don't Go Breakin My Heart.

Life is a dish best served cheesy

Life is a dish best served cheesy I was trying to explain my new cheese fondue conceptuarant to some business minded colleagues but they didn't seem to understand what I was fonDUEing. Did you get that? That was a joke statement. But seriously, when this fondue thing takes off, it will take off. This is a cheese on cheese fonduery concept. You take a piece of asiago or pecorino or some parm stravecchio and dip it into a soft pool of gruyere, fontina and gouda blend. Can you taste the cheesiness? For a palette cleansing agent, 86% cacao chocolate of course. As if there were any other options puh-leeeeeze. I'm thinking dessert is going to be cheese based. Taste this in your mind if you dare: a wedge of sweet dubliner to dip into a half flat of room temp brie or mascarpone. I bet your brain tastes so good right now, flowing with double cheesy goodness.

Writing Apps for Fun and Profit

First thing you need is someone who can write apps. Then you need to tell them how to write the app. Then you get money. It's that simple, understand? I was writing my next book called Where The Wild Fern Grows. It's a coming of age story about Buttercrisp Man and how the spoils of war have made him a wealthy man, and some would say, have even made him two men, but not even his limitless wealth can quench his desires for his ultimate ambition. Love. Yes, his love of stars compels him every night to read astronomy books of all sizes. Later in the book, I killed him off because he was a minor character anyway. Did you watch Harry Potter Meets the Scooby-Doo Meets Batman episode? If you didn't, you should because when Shaggy voiced by the late Casey Casem, tells Harry that he and Scoob are like hungry, it's pretty funny. It's a pretty funny part.

Two Whales don’t make a Right

I watched the Star Trek, heritage series of course, #4, The Voyage Home. It was so good and it puts all other current-gen star trecks movies to bed. That last one was so bad, not only movie-wise, but also lens flare wise. And also Benedryl Timberletch wise. Don't get me wrong, the scene where he shares an almost make-out sesh with his arch-nemesis in that other series was fun. But where was that in the star wars movie? It was nowhere to be seen. This movie gets a F for Fun Not Included In Movie. In other star wars news, I'm glad to see that George Wookie has finally seen the affects of his casting, directing, creative input and general movie-making have had on his movies. If you're going to cast stone-faced slenderman prompties and smoothskin barely beards as two of cinema's most well known and I'll even use the most overused word in cinema, iconic, characters, you're going to have a bad time. But lets be honest to each other. The only real loser is you. And me. And everyone that watches his films where the chartreuse effects overshadow the mace windus and digital stick puppets.

Dial M for Mulan

I never noticed how in the movie Mulan, at the beginning where that scene is being painted and there is the beautiful music, if you look closely, there is that symbol of Simba from where Rafiki the strung out hallucinating shut-in monkey from Lion King drew his mane on the tree with the powdery juice of some red berry after snatching some leaves and twigs blowing in the wind and he caught ahold of Simba's scent of his scat or something. Anyways, that symbol, or should I say, that Simbol, is also in Mulan. Disney is always doing cool stuff like that. For instance, in Bednobs and Broomsticks, when they jump into the chalk painting from the london sidewalk, that chalk painting is also in Merry Poppins. Also, in The Little Mermaid, in her cave of human goods, the busts of all of Disney's head animators are also in there too. I just love how they do cool stuff like that. Oh my favorite crossover event has to be from The Black Cauldron where Gergi is looking for munchies and crunchies and he takes the kids to his little house, inside his house you can see the cake from Sleeping Beauty and Flora Fauna and Merryweather are still trying to bake it.

Colours of Love and Life

I was at the Colors concert and it was just rocking out. There were all the Colors on stage and us fans, colloquially known as Colories, had filled the stands. It might have been the best concert ever. The kazoo improv was amazing, the way Zach Braff says amazing, which is so vomitously annoying. But besides Xach Braghf being there, it was a good show. Don't forget, Colors of Love and Life are coming to a roku streaming device near you soon on their new roku channel Colors of Love and Life Channel where you and all your Colory friends can go and take part in the joy, the suspense and of course, The Colors. Also, find then on iTunes and support the band. In other news, there are no good movies out but even more than that, there are no good movies being made anymore. Name me one good movie that has been made in the last 10 years and I will disagree with you except in small exceptions such as Bottle Shock, Sony E3 Press Conferences, Little Big Planet the Movie: The Game and specific episodes of Dynasty. Wait, I mean movies with the word Dynasty in them. For example, Mulan. Mulan is an exception because it has the word dynasty in it. "A girl like that doesn't come along every Dynasty, but Colors of Love and Life are playing so I have to go good bye Shan your father would be very proud of you don't disappoint me you are no match for my technique."

Generations of the new people

If you haven't noticed recently there is a new generation of new people doing new things out there. If you aren't down with new stuff, you're going to be stuck doing old stuff. The new generation of people have what it takes. In other news, I was playing Diablo 3 and an item dropped called the Napoleons, a pair of stylish boots, and the lore text said "These boots will make all your hopes and dreams come true." Now this is obviously a fictional story, so why, in this purely factual and fact-based blog, would I bring something up like this? Honestly I forgot what I was talking about so lets move on. I was at Cosco the other day buying toilet papers and I witnessed someone getting Ply'd. It was pretty comical and refreshing.

Quack Pack is not the new Duck Tales

And yet Quack Pack isn't really the new anything. It's pretty old too. But it was so terrible and it's disgrace to the memory of the Valley of the Golden Suns. I bought all the Duck Tales for myself and I have been enjoying it more than I would think I would think I would. I also bought some new shirts. This is good news for people that like clothing. Also, as much as Google keeps asking me to, I am not going to convert this blog to a twitter format. Twitter has no place in modern social culture or media.

One word song titles seem a touch pretentious

If I read the back of an album cover and I see a list of songs with one word names, I immediately think that this band or singer/songwriter is pretentious or not creative enough to come up with a better song title than Torn or Jaded or Loveslopesliveonthroughtimeperils. The best songs have the best song titles. For instance, "Set Controls for the Heart of the Sun" or "Truly" oh wait, that Delerium epic has only one word as the title. But it's still a good number. "Knocking on Forbidden Doors", "The Voice and The Snake", "Seven Days in Sunny June."  Here's some more "The Odd Plant in the Corner." Just kidding, I haven't recorded that one yet, even though all the music has been written. Of course the best song ever is the theme song to Gummy Bears, which consequently has more than one word in the title. Which also makes it the best cartoon of all time.

Don’t touch that lock screen

I remember in the ages past where time is shrouded in mist and legend that I drew a picture called the odd plant in the corner. I thought it was pretty good, but in reality, or should I say, in the reality of our teletubby overlords, it really isn't very good. But I learned a valuable lesson that day. You can't contradict our invisible, omniscient Teletubby overlords. They know too much and they've seen everything. You just have to be a good Teletubby and let them play videos on your tummy and eat your tubbytoast. But seriously though, there are days it feels where I'm just being fed a steady diet of tubbytoast and it's making me dumber and it's making my blog entries dumber.

Contribute to the Cause

Contribute to the cause.  Contribute sounds like Contra, which is the greatest game ever to have been birth from the brain loins of game developers. If you acquired the rapid-fire spread gun, you could beat the game. You could literally beat the game. But you could also beat the game if you used other weapons. Both cases are literal.  Another case of being literal is my suitcase that I brought with me on a trip. It took way too long coming out on the baggage carousel. That was also a literal case. Also I ran over a dog with my car. As much as I want that to be literal, it's only figurative.

Children are the future

My customers are looking for something more than just a regular tasting submarine sandwich. My special recipe is first, use the bread, second, put the other things on the bread and then thirdly, close the bread. People, especially children, keep asking for my special sandwich recipe so here it goes:

 

crusty bread

pesto

lots of melted fontina or gruyere

dry roasted red and yellow pepper halves

dietz and watson smoked chicken breast

avocado slices

fresh cracked pepper

 

Basically you just put everything into the crusty bread pocket.  That's the recipe that launched my career on the Cooking Channel.

The Odd Plant in the Corner

A number of years ago I drew a picture that I called "The odd plant in the corner." I thought it was clever and a bit edgy and well done. It wasn't. The point is sometimes we think we do great things but upon further review we discover that they are in fact not great things. This reminds of one a story. One cold evening shift time I was working as a sandwich artist at the local subway and these two guys came in and asked if they could get some sandwiches at the employee discount, which at the time was 100% off. I pretended to not comprehend what they were saying until they got angry and left. One said he was going to be a famous soccer player. The point is that I also did the same thing to a telemarketer yesterday and she had to transfer me to someone else.  And now that I remember, this one time a telemarketer called and kept interrupting him saying "Did you say something? Hello?" There are no words to describe the funniness. But words like funny and uproarity are words that maybe could come close to describing it.

Different Strokes Different Pokes

It has somewhat come to my attention that the Food Channel is attempting to syndicate my 4 shows currently airing. It is doing this without my permission and I won't tolerate it. Cooking with Food is currently the top rated show on the network and syndication will only affect that rating. Perhaps postively, but also perhaps, negatively. My other 3 shows are actually just reruns of Cooking with Food but nobody seems to notice. Speaking of cooking food, I was talking with Norman Recog who is still deep in a legal dispute with Rachel Ray over her use of the word fantabulous. He was saying that they are going to renew my show for another 19 seasons which will be a first in the world of television. The previous record holder was 18 seasons of Samurai Catburger and Friends also produced my production company The Samurai Catburger Production Company.

Hamhocks for the Ages

Hamhocks is a word that has boundless uses. For instance, Samurai Catburger uses it to describe what he is eating in episode 7 where he has a hamhock for dinner. He says "This is a hamhock." It's just a very versatile word. In other word news, Piada Puccinelli was on the Rachel Ray show and they both bored each other to death. Which worked out better than anyone could have planned, except for me because I've been planning that event for years. Finally, events set in motion during the 1st age will finally come to fruition and I will finally be on television and I won't have to wear a giant purple dinosaur suit.

Claire McCatsville

I was talking about cats a while ago and it reminded me that I hate politics. The two party system is just a mess. Both parties are a mess and nobody knows what or who to believe anymore. That's where I come in. I have the cat knowledge to unite our wounded country and bring a new sense of togethercatness. Notice I did not say Catniss. Because I'm here to tell you that I read that book and it was like reading a Curious George novella. Also knotice that I did not say Catniss Evergreen because that would also remind me of the last time I read a Paddington Bear episode. I would also like to say something about dogs. Dogs are like cats, only bigger.

Sunday, January 05, 2014

Massagynist

A massagynist is someone who is proficient at massaging. That is the wisdom of the ages. Ok look, there are a lot of people who have tuned in to this program and heard me talk about how I'm leaving radio. I am here to tell you that this is finally coming to pass. This will be my last broadcast on this radio program. I've decided to start a blog so that I can spew my benign opinions on everyone in the same way that I was spewed on while I was I sitting on the train to Bangkok about the Thailand Express. What a great leg of the trip that was. It was truly great. What I keep trying to say is that when you're tuned into my program on the radio, it's not going to be on for much longer. There are just a few more episodes left before the finale even though we recorded 11 full seasons. It just didn't turn out to the be the kind of show we were hoping for, much like Revolution on NBC and Surface on NBC and also Smash on NBC and Parenthood and everything else on NBC because NBC stands for the Nation of Bad things to watCh on tv. NBC.

King of Queens and Kings

Did you ever notice that sitcoms have stupid forgettable titles? Probably not because you're too busy watching...oh what's that show called? It had Rod and Raquel and they were always an on and off again item? There was a smart guy, a stupid guy and mean guy and their opposing girl stars had those exact same personalities? I can't think of it for life of me. Wait, I remember. It was called "Losers". Wait, I feel like that wasn't it. It was called "Innocuous 20-somethings and their pathetic lives". That was it. That was definitely the title. Sitcoms have those kinds of titles so that you can't remember what you were watching because when you think too long about it you get mad that you were suckered into watching a stupid show for a half hour so the producers don't want you to remember what it was called because then you'd call the station and talk to the program director and say Hey Mr. Man stop playing that sitcom called Monk every day. You'll thank me later.

Sings of the Thymes

I know it's a while since I have written my glorious writings for you to absorb like sponges. But I want to communicate effectively to you that I am still here writing my writings for your gastronomic enjoyment. In other news, the people who make those crisp wafers have sued the people who make paperboard packaging because they claim the paperboard infringes on their taste and texture patents on their crisp wafer products. Also in other news, our friends across the sea say the word Crisp instead of Chips. For instance, instead of saying "This cereal stays crisp in milk", they say "This cereal stays chips in milk." It's just a different way of looking at the word. Over here in the united states, we say These chips are crispy, they would say "These crisps are chippy." Or we might say, That kid is a chip off the ol' crisp. They would say "That kid is a crisp off the ol' chip." We might say "I just tossed this dog into the crispy woodchipper." They would say "This dog needs to get chipped by the crispmaker and turned into pancakes." It's just a different way of looking at the same words. In other words, it's a transsubstative phase of the word.

Sign spinning for the ages

Sign spinning in it's current form will not exist in the next decade. Spinners will have to get more creative with their moves in order to attract the most attention to the mattress stores, gyms and haircut places that currently employ them. We're going to see more triple backside 540's to a Zach Morris shuffle then we've been seeing. But we'll also see new combinations of Grounding Slipknots with a Twist finishing with a Split Grilled Cheese 180. The landscape will also get more competitive. As more spinners enter the market, the bar isn't going to start with the traditional Handspring Bounce-On One handed Sizzlebone. But expect to see spinners right out of spin school performing moves like the vaunted Milkshake Moose Muffleta to a 1080 Freeform Pincushion Hamhock. I'm here to tell you, if you can land one of those, you don't belong in this business.

The Avengerators

I did watch the Avengers a while ago. It was terrible. It was simply terrible. I don't see how anyone could have watched it with any kind of enjoyment. Even with my bargain basement level of expectations, it was just...wait a second. I think I've figured it out. I expected to not enjoy it and I did. What I mean is that I didn't enjoy it so I guess it met my expectations. Well that's the end of that. I do wish that we could abolish all super hearing movies. The iron maiden, the spindle man, the bard man, the soup man, they are the same movie and they've wrecked the comic books. I like comics books but I don't like comic book movies. I might if they made a comic book based movie about the comic book of Movie Man. Movie Man part film reel and part projector and part person. If they made that movie, I would see it.